Cooler than Stupid in That's my JAM!!!!

haters to the left

2010-07-19T22:39:00.004-04:00

I recently got a bit of a hate comment. I get one of these on the blog or on my youtube account every now and again, so I usually just laugh at them and continue with my day. Generally, and even in this case, the person just doesn't get the joke. And I don't take it personally if you don't get my humor. But every once in a while, something comes along that I must share with everyone. I was actually just going to post this one without comment, but I decided to check the original post to see if i deserved her wrath, and I didn't, so I will share a few thoughts.

First of all, I rarely get blog hate posts these days because I don't really write about celebrities anymore. Not that I ever really did. Something might come up every once in a while, but I usually leave the celeb stuff to the pros. I also used to do reality show recaps here, but I think I got only love from those posts.

To start, here is the post. Note that this post is from TWO YEARS AGO, when Katy Perry was just kind of starting to get big. Because this post is from TWO YEARS AGO, the video that I had linked in the post has since expired. Every single bullet point that I wrote out was 100% referencing the video that was posted, which was a performance of "I Kissed A Girl" on So You Think You Can Dance. Those are the facts you need to know. Here is the comment that I recently got:

I think what's moronic are the reasons listed for hating Katy Perry.
Reasons for hating any celebrity really. No one should even care this much.
If you had a friend named Katy Perry who named her cat "kitty purry," you would think it was adorable.
She wasn't the sexiest woman of the year for nothing.
She's a funny sexy celebrity who knows how to appeal to her listeners.
Even if I didn't like her music, if she came on the radio I'm not thinking about how her voice doesn't match her body or how she dresses or what she (cleverly) named her cat.
If you don't like her music don't listen to it.
And definitely do something more productive the next time an unimpressive celebrity comes along, rather than post a hate blog about a celebrity, get a cat.
So we don't have to hear about the retarded things you choose to hate and your terrible, shallow reasons for hating them.
Everybody reading this knows you won't do that of course because the only reason you post hateful blogs about anyone is to feed off the attention you're getting, good or bad.
Your own friends hate you. Everyone hates gossipy bitches who trash celebrities online.

Now, I don't want to get too harsh here, because to me, it doesn't matter. But, then I realized that she was not only referring to me, but she was also hating on my friends. When I went back to the post to refresh my memory, I was reminded of a previous hater in the comments, and the resulting minor back and forth between my defenders and this dude. The dude called me a moron, so a defender of mine turned that moron back around on him. this NEW hater, Sav, picked up that moron and ran with it, and has decided to comment on the whole situation, apparently treating it as one long post that I wrote entirely. Let's break this down, shall we?

I think what's moronic are the reasons listed for hating Katy Perry.
Reasons for hating any celebrity really. No one should even care this much.

-- i actually don't really hate katy perry. i don't really give a fuck about katy perry. and i never said in the post that i hated her, i said that i couldn't love her because of the 10 reasons listed related to the video. Of the 10, 4 are specifically about the song. I will allow that if you don't personally know me, you can't even begin to understand why I have a huge problem with the song "I Kissed A Girl", but it makes me sad that the reason that song is not great isn't easily recognizable.

If you had a friend named Katy Perry who named her cat "kitty purry," you would think it was adorable.

-- This is actually not true, I wouldn't. But also, you are calling out my brother here. I didn't say anything about her cat in the original post.

She wasn't the sexiest woman of the year for nothing.

-- I believe I did allude to her redeeming quality being that she's hot.

She's a funny sexy celebrity who knows how to appeal to her listeners.

-- Okay. Good for her.

Even if I didn't like her music, if she came on the radio I'm not thinking about how her voice doesn't match her body or how she dresses or what she (cleverly) named her cat.

-- Okay...Good for you...(someone really likes that cat name, huh? do we think her cat wrote this comment?)

If you don't like her music don't listen to it.

-- I don't. Thanks. The performance was forced upon me on a show I enjoy watching.

And definitely do something more productive the next time an unimpressive celebrity comes along, rather than post a hate blog about a celebrity, get a cat.

-- If I get a cat, should I name it Kitty Purry? Should I name it Saroar Meowtinez? Also -- was that an admission that she's unimpressive?

So we don't have to hear about the retarded things you choose to hate and your terrible, shallow reasons for hating them.

-- Again, I never said I hated her. And again, the reasons listed were directly related to the posted video that I'm sure Sav was unable to watch. And just to throw some of Sav's own logic back, why read about the things I choose to hate if it bothers you?

Everybody reading this knows you won't do that of course because the only reason you post hateful blogs about anyone is to feed off the attention you're getting, good or bad.

-- Everybody knows!! Everybody who enjoys reading two year old posts!! EEK! I GOT SO MUCH ATTENTION FROM THAT ONE BLOG POST HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON I POSTED IT?! AND I'M FURTHERING THE ATTENTION BY HIGHLIGHTING THIS HATEFUL BLOG COMMENT SAV POSTED. WHAT A PARADOX!! HOW META!!

Your own friends hate you. Everyone hates gossipy bitches who trash celebrities online.

-- well, friends. i didn't realize you all hated me. i will stop trying to hang out with y'all. but i wonder who she's talking about when she refers to 'gossipy bitches who trash celebrities online' -- perez maybe? because i don't really like him either.

mingus and the drifter

2010-06-08T18:39:00.005-04:00

My apartment has a nice little corral/balcony sort of deal that I'll one day put a fancy set of porch furniture in so pals and I can drink beers and stare at the houses across the street. For now, it just holds a few things that I brought from NY that have no place in my current apartment. And a plant that I always forget to water (which is why I don't have kids). I was just out there for a minute, when I heard an enthusiastic meow. I jumped a little, because the cats that live in my building are not this vocal. There are two that come from across the way, Charlie and Tango. And then there is a fatter black one that hangs around, though I don't know who he belongs to.

When I turned to see which cat it was, I was greeted by a larger adult long-haired gray and white cat with the cutest little face. I said to the cat "Woah. Who are you? Where do you come from?" He responded with a meow. This cat was unlike other wandering cats I usually see. He was super-friendly, had soft hair that was dirty on the white part (though it didn't seem like he was used to being dirty), and he really wanted my attention. Any time I turned away from him or stopped petting him, he put his little paw gently on my leg and mewed. I wished at this moment that I could speak cat, because I'm pretty sure this cat belongs to somebody, but he was wearing no collar and he wasn't telling me what I needed to know in English.

Then, in a little crevice in the floor of my corral, I saw a little black something sticking out. I retrieved it from the crevice, and saw that it was a collar and ID tag. Oh glorious day, I thought. Let's save this cat. I checked out the collar information. It said "Mingus" and had two phone numbers and an address I was unfamiliar with. Now, I'll admit...because I hate the phone so much and because interactions with strangers make me uncomfortable, I hesitated for a minute about calling these people. I thought, "Oh, they must live nearby, I'm sure he'll wander back." I said to the cat "Are you Mingus?" He did not answer. I looked up the address on my phone, and saw that it was in the Barton Springs area. aka pretty far from where I live in cat-wandering terms. So I called the number.

As the phone rang, I thought about all the different ways I could lead into this. As the phone rang multiple times, I thought about how serious I was about leaving a message. But this cat -- it kept looking at me with it's cute lil eyes and it's sad little mews, so I soldiered on. A lady picked up on the fourth ring.

L: Hello?
Me: Hi...umm...Is this Sydney* or Jamie*?
L: Uh....yes?
Me: Um...do you have a cat...named Mingus?
L: Yes! I do!
Me: Um...is it a gray and white cat?
L: Uh...what do you-- no he's more like black and white.
Me: Hmm...Well, I just found this collar in front of my apartment, and it was next to this gray and white cat...he wasn't wearing it, so I thought I'd give the number a call. He's a longhair cat with a white bottom and a gray top.
L: Hmm...no that's not him. Where are you?
Me: I'm in Hyde Park. I saw that the address on the collar seems pretty far from here, so I didn't know...
L: Yeah, I just moved to Hyde Park from the Barton Springs area. I lost him after I moved. He's been missing for a little while so I'd pretty much given up, but when you called I got so excited. (break my heart)
Me: Ooh...I'm so sorry I got your hopes up.

So I asked her more about Mingus and told her I'd keep an eye out for him. She actually lives like 5 blocks from here, so she said she would come to my area and do another search for him. I honestly don't know how long that collar had been there. It looked roughed up. I have not seen a black cat with green eyes and white whiskers/paws at all (Mingus), but I did notice that this mystery Longhair cat seemed fond of the collar. He would grab it in his mouth when I put it on the ground. I worried that Mingus lost his collar somewhere else, and this transient had lifted it (like the cat version of finding treasures that he'll pawn later) and brought it to my corral.

Now I have two problems. Because I have Mingus' collar, I feel personally responsible for finding him, since nobody will be able to call the number if they do find him. I also have this awesome gray and white cat that I want to bring into my house and bathe and spoon and then get into wacky scenarios with. But also, I want to find his home, because I have a feeling he's lost too. Will anyone win here?!?

*names changed for no good reason, really...

la vida rica: pt. 3 - crossing the line

2010-06-04T12:24:00.001-04:00

Before he heads to the next room, Bravo grabs me and kisses me on the cheek. I am fooled into thinking he is leaving, because the cheek kiss was so random, but alas, I am still not so lucky. After a few minutes listening to music in the next room with my father, Bravo beckons me to join them. I go, because I'm a nice girl that has a hard time being mean even when the situation calls for it. My father is standing behind his bar while Bravo and I are seated in front of it. Bravo decides to change his strategy.

He grabs my hands and looks me right in the eye and tells me that his girlfriend (!) is a model. She is tall, beautiful, blonde, and blue-eyed. And he would leave her in a second for me. I'm surprised to see how hard he's pursuing me if he already has a girlfriend, but that's the story of my life. I don't think I really responded to this, because I was probably at a double loss for words and also a little bit drunk. He mentioned it a couple more times. I think I may have shrugged, or laughed, or said "that's great" at his last mention of her because, god I mean, shut up already, I get it. You have this awesome chick and I'm shorter and browner. Anyway, he responded to my dismissal of it with "I don't like American girls." I laughed and answered "Well, I'm an American girl." And he says, "No. You know what I mean." Well, then why are you dating one and throwing her in my face? Meh. So I'm getting kind of fed up at this point. Bravo is showing his inebriation more. He keeps wrapping his arm around me and pulling me in to nuzzle/kiss me on the cheek. I feel weird that he's doing this in front of my father, because I know that this is probably about the time that my father is thinking up multiple ways to murder this man.

So, at this point, my father says that maybe it's time to call it a night. He mentions (to my great disbelief) the Memorial Day party we'll be having that Sunday, and if he likes, he can come by. Bravo puts on his bold shoes and says "Ok, how about you call it a night, and she comes to stay with me." TO MY FUCKING FATHER. I think this might have been when my dad started thinking of places to bury the body. My dad tells him that's not going to happen (still remaining surprisingly not threatening) and that it's time to go. My father heads to the kitchen and I start to walk after him. Bravo stands in front of me and gives me a hug. Then he goes to kiss me on the cheek, but turns his face at the last second. Since I've seen most John Hughes movies, I was alert enough to quickly turn my face the other way to avoid a forcible mouth kiss. He tried to go for the mouth kiss one more time, and again I dodged it artfully. And like every girl learns in rape defense 101, I told him "no!" and pushed him away. This was the last of my interaction with Bravo. My father said his goodbyes/see you laters to him and showed him out. Bravo sat in his car in front of the house for half an hour before leaving. He left a beer bottle on the lawn for my father to discover the next morning.

Also left the next morning was a strange voicemail on my father's cellphone. It was a lady saying that there was a man there that was too inebriated to drive home, and when asked if there was anyone to contact, he gave them my father's name. What was strange about this was that my dad had given Bravo his business card, which doesn't have his cell number on it. So we weren't even sure this was Bravo until my dad called the number back later that day and the bar confirmed that it was him, but it was all taken care of. And my luck finally kicked in when Bravo did not show up for the Memorial Day BBQ. I'm assuming he was too drunk the night he came over to remember his way back to the house.

I found out later that Bravo had been at the restaurant with three friends. He completely ditched them in the middle of their meal to hang out with us. And I don't think he even told them he was leaving. Something I also learned is that my brother is less protective in these situations and more pimp. He kept saying "What can I tell him? She's funny! She's smart! She's nice!" Also, my dad was pleased with hearing me speak Spanish, the most he's ever heard me speak. I was just impressed I could speak it after six beers.

la vida rica: pt. 2 - the wooing

2010-06-03T14:15:00.002-04:00

The four of us leave the restaurant and we give Bravo a lift to the car. In Spanish (actually, from now on, just assume that everything Bravo says is in Spanish...he knew a couple of English words, but not too many), Bravo tells me that we are just driving him to his car. He asks if I understand, and I repeat "Your car. Is over there." Even though I've told him multiple times I understand Spanish pretty well, I just don't speak it very well, he seems reluctant to believe me. Many times throughout the evening he will verify with either me or my father that I am understanding him.

After a brief stop at the QuikTrip two miles from my dad's house (ricky and I couldn't make the extra distance...or at least our bladders couldn't), we arrive back at the house. Bravo is a few minutes behind us, so as my father gets beers out and my brother heads to the television, I keep a lookout secretly hoping we've lost him in the two miles since the QuikTrip. I'm not that lucky, and I see his car pull up. I open the front door and see him get out of his car, walk up to the For Sale sign on my father's lawn, pull it out of the ground, and bring it inside with him. He asks if the house is for sale and I tell him it is. He places the sign inside the entryway to the house and goes to greet my father. I take this opportunity to join Ricky at the television.

After some conversing with my father in the kitchen, Bravo comes to sit next to me on the couch. My father sits next to him. This is when the offerings begin. In addition to the aforementioned fashion boutique that he would purchase for me, I would also have access to his family's large tomato business, and multiple car dealerships. He offered to buy me a large house in Mexico. He offered to buy me the house we were sitting in, the house my father has been trying to sell. And, like, how am I supposed to take this? I would've had a difficult time explaining this in English to someone coming off as clueless as he was, so having to basic it up in Spanish I think made it much more difficult to get through his head. There wasn't anything glaringly wrong with this guy. He wasn't bad-looking, he was in his early 30's, and he was clearly very rich. My stepsister later talked about what a creep he was, but I actually didn't think he was too creepy. He kept talking about how this was destiny and did I believe in destiny. And I can understand his approach if he truly felt that. I just wasn't feeling it. And we could barely communicate. And we live in different countries. Do you see how I couldn't even take this seriously? Because he couldn't. He could not understand why I wasn't willing to drop everything in my life to tell him right then and there that I'd give it a try with him. He was all "But, I'll buy you this house!!" and I was all "But I don't want to live in Oklahoma!" and then he'd be all *confused face* "But I'll buy you this house!!"

After this, my father explained to him that I have a life in Austin and I like it there. He told Bravo that I wasn't interested in money, but "amor puro". Bravo stood up and asked why I was living the 'hard' life when he could give me the easy life. He then got down on his knee, grabbed my hand, and repeated that he was very taken with me and couldn't I see this was destiny. Behind him, my brother was doubling over in laughter. I was fighting laughing at that while still trying to keep a straight face for this poor, sincere, inebriated rich man.

At some point, my father had gotten up to get more beer. Bravo gets up from his knee, and sits next to me. He calls my dad over and says "Tell her about the horses." My father tells me something I guess he learned earlier at dinner, that Bravo has horses. Bravo excitedly interjects that he has 15 horses. He tells me about his favorite horse, a black beauty named Chubasco. He asks if I know what that means, and I say no. He looks up to my father for translation and I am told that it means "earthquake*". Bravo looks back at me like an excited puppy and pauses for me to be impressed. I smile and nod but again, don't really know what to tell him. He gets up and asks my father if they can listen to music. They go into the next room, while my brother and I stay with the television.

Stay tuned for the part 3, the exciting conclusion, wherein Bravo almost overstays his welcome.

*chubasco actually means 'squall' or 'storm'

La Vida Rica: part one - the introduction

2010-05-29T22:18:00.002-04:00

For my father's 60th birthday dinner, we all headed to a Mexican restaurant on the Jenks river walk in Tulsa. It was a Friday evening on a holiday weekend, so the place was packed. We had some drinks at the bar while we waited for our table. I was engaged in a conversation with my brother, stepsis, and bro-in-law when my father's attention was pulled away by a fellow next to us at the bar. This is not out of the ordinary -- my dad is a man about town and he's a big cheese at the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. It's normal for him to know someone wherever we are, and often he has Spanish conversations with these acquaintances.

At some point, my father introduced us to this fellow. (None of us can remember his name now, but it sounded like Bravo, so that's what we'll call him.) Bravo explained (in Spanish) that he didn't speak any English. It was right about this point we were summoned for our table. My dad gave this guy his card in case he could help him out in any way. Bravo insisted that later on in our meal, my dad rejoin him at the bar for a beer. And off we went.

Now, a little about Bravo...or what we know at this point anyway. He was born in Dallas, but lives in Mexico. His family owns a big business in Tulsa, and every summer he comes here for three months to make sure things are going smoothly. He doesn't speak English. I assumed that the rapport he created with my father was business-related, and didn't give this guy a second thought.

After we'd been sitting at the table for a bit, my dad notices that Bravo has left the bar. We wonder why he would invite dad for a beer and then disappear, but we didn't dwell on it too long. A short while later, Bravo comes to our table from another part of the restaurant and sits right down. He and my father immediately start chatting like old friends, so my siblings and I have our own conversation.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Bravo gesturing a lot towards me. I turn on my Spanish ear, and hear that my father seems to be talking about me more than the other kids. I joke with Bianca that I think our dad is arranging a marriage for me and that they are discussing the dowry. We have a grand laugh about it. Little did I know my jokes weren't too far from the truth.

Bravo stays with us for our whole meal. My dad is the only one conversing with him, and every few minutes my dad will ask me random questions like, "have you ever thought about owning or working in a fashion boutique?" and "are you guapa (beautiful)?" (I find out later that Bravo is insisting that my father ask me these questions.) I realize now that this guy is super into me (the longing stares across the table should have clued me in sooner) and I worry that he's asking my father for my hand in marriage. My dad mentions that Bravo wants to come back to the house for a beer with us. I still am naively thinking he's building a business relationship and this does not have everything to do with me. My stepsister and her husband leave for the evening and Bravo buys the rest of us two more rounds of beer -- the second round being Pacifico, the beer from Mazatlan, where Bravo lives. I guess he was subtly trying to acclimate me to my future home.

Stay tuned for part 2, where we all head back to the house for some drinks.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, suckas!

what's my age again

2010-04-18T21:23:00.002-04:00

mom (talking about some john wayne movie): it was 25 years ago, so...
me: 25 years? are you sure?
mom: yeah, it was the 70's...
me: mom, I'm 26 and I was born in 1982.
me: oh wait, I'm 27.

conversations about ninjas

2010-04-12T18:11:00.003-04:00

here is a conversation i had with my team leader when i got into work this morning:

TL: Oh, hi Sara. You snuck in today.
Me: Like a ninja.
TL: A what?
Me: A ninja.
TL: I don't know what that means. I've only heard the word.
Me: Ninja -- Silent, sneaky.... deadly.
TL: What is it, like an animal?
Me: No, a person!
TL: Is that a real word?
Me: Yeah! Ninja! Silent assassins. You never see them. You never hear them. Until it's too late.
TL: But, what--- Nevermind.

Fin.

motocop update

2010-03-28T17:33:00.001-04:00

i just saw on the news that police have distributed 125 tickets for hazardous train track crossing

IMing with bro: emoticons and middle fingers

2010-03-27T19:05:00.006-04:00

me: my friend was on the office this week
:D
bro: yeah you only mentioned that like four hundred times
me: haha
bro: im sorry four hundred and one
me: i knew you'd say that, thus the :D face
bro: how bout this face
um...
how do i make a middle fingo
nlm
me: good one
bro: ~nlm
therrre
me: -+-
what's the tail it has?
bro: the thumb
me: who hails a cab while flippin the bird?
bro: \nlm
better?
me: i like just nlm
thumb folded in
bro: my thumb sticks out when i flick off
do you thumb tuck
me: yes... depends on the mood.
bro: oh how dainty
me: haha
ur the dainty one
you flip off like you drink tea
bro: well my flick off is not dainty then
me: pinky out
thumb out
bro: nah my pinky stays in on both counts
oh i c
OIC
me: n^m
i feel like there's gotta be something better than the l
but maybes not
bro: haha
unless
\nIIm
is double better?
me: nIIm
yes
bro: mllnr
is right handed better?
me: it looks like you are shorthanding millionaire
bro: shthndg mllr
me: i like \nIIm

late submission

2010-03-27T11:25:00.003-04:00

my uncle/amazing race partner alf has just submitted his go at the slappin' batman comic, and i think it's a pretty good one:

motocops on the prowl

2010-03-26T19:01:00.003-04:00

the first morning i drove to my job, i went a little bit of a shortcut way. like most ways out of my apartment area, i had to pass over train tracks to get where i needed to go. now that the metro is running, everyone is on high alert re: not getting hit by trains while foolishly stopping on the tracks. so, i go this shortcut way, and while i'm waiting to make the two turns i need (one over the tracks), i notice to motorcycle cops just chillin'. i figure they are probably there to make sure everyone is properly minding the tracks so i make sure to be superaware of not breaking any rules. while i'm waiting for the cars to clear so i can turn, i witness each Motocop pull over a separate victim. (i would try to explain how i saw this happen, but i tried explaining it via IM to my brother and he was so confused i had to draw him a diagram a couple days later. when i went back and reread it, i confused even myself. basically, i theeenk people are getting pulled over for crowding the stop line and not leaving the tracks clear.) i made a note that the cops would probably be at this post for a few days, and to make sure to go the non-shortcut route. even though i'd still be passing by the cops. there was less of a chance of getting pulled over since i would cross the tracks at a non-guarded area.

so the next day, i do just that. and as i am passing by Motocop point, I see again that they each have a separate car pulled over. yikes on motobikes. this happens again the day after that.

today, i head to work in the morning, and while i see the cops waiting around, i don't actually see any victims snagged in this window of time. however, even though i usually go a different way home at the end of the day, i had to pass by them today so i could gas up my car. while i was waiting at a light, i saw the motocops just chillin'. their bikes were parked and they were just standing around, looking at all the traffic. then, i see a car cross the tracks to wait behind a car that was already there. bad move, i think, but maybe this dude will luck out since the cops seem to be just shootin' the shit. but then i see the cop approach the car on foot and tell him through the window that he needs to pull over. ON FOOT. he just strolled up there like he was shooting fish in a barrel. i wonder if they are getting just warnings or if they are getting ticketed for this. and i wonder how much the fine would be. because if the cops are consistently catching at least two people in the same five minute window of time that i head to work every morning, i can't even imagine how many they pull over daily.

am i going to hell?

2010-03-24T01:07:00.004-04:00

i started my new short-term job today, and while it definitely hasn't been as dreadful as i expected (so far...), it's still a little bit weird. there is a long list of rules to abide by and in the new hire packet, they made sure to mention multiple times that they could terminate my employment at will at any time for any reason. yikes. on top of all this, i'm sitting in a room with 99 other people (no exaggeration, there are literally 100 of us in one room -- i got assigned to the big room) at a computer that is about a foot from the nice lady next to me. we're all at long tables -- no cubicles or faux walls -- it's like a little test scoring sweatshop. within our room, charmingly known as "barton springs", we have all been assigned to teams with team leaders. we really don't have to work together, it's more of a way of assigning someone who knows what she's doing to guide a group of about 8 of us to make sure we're doing everything correctly. i am one of three in my group that's aged somewhere between 25 and 32, the rest are all older ladies and gentlemen.

now, many people don't know this about me, but i'm actually pretty shy at first. i also hate small talk. i don't like chatting about little unimportant things. i'd much rather read a magazine or stare at the ceiling, but since i will be working in really close quarters with these people, i thought i should at least participate in some of the 'get to know you' chatter. after answering multiple questions about my life, this pleasant but (overly) talkative nigerian lady looks at my shirt and says "does your shirt say blondie?", to which i respond "yes". she then jokes that she wishes my hair were blond, because then she could just call me blondie. i told her she could call me blondie if she wanted to, but then helpfully pointed out the giant name placards that we all have at the top of our computers.

this is when things got weird for me. here is our convo:

lady: oh yes, sara, i see. i'll know your name. sara...that is a christian name. are you a christian?
me: ... uhhh...yes?
lady: you hesitated on your answer
my work neighbor: when there's hesitation...it means she was raised christian.
me: yes

*aight lemme interject here. that's fucking bold, right? (and not just because i bolded it. heyooo.) i mean, i had been talking with this lady for like 7 minutes. why..what...how was i supposed to answer that? i'm not going to go into my spiritual beliefs with some stranger, whom i am pretty sure is a devout christian. i'm not gonna answer with a resounding "NO!!" and i'm not gonna pull a cross from under my shirt and wave it around. i mean...that's a weird question to ask an almost complete stranger, right? okay....*

lady: i ask because sara is a christian name, so why else would they give it to you?
me: there are plenty of reasons people are named what they are, regardless of the background of the name...
lady: so who are you named after?
me: (i know only that my dad once told me the drive from brownsville, tx north toward kingsville passes towns called ricardo and sarita. this is true, though i don't know if it's the true reason we are named as such) Uh...my dad named me?
lady: well, why did he name you that?
me: i don't know..he liked the name?
lady: well didn't you ever ask him?
me: my parents divorced when i was two, so i didn't get a chance to (!!!)

who do i think i am? why was that my default go to answer when i was backed in a corner? especially because i talk to my dad pretty often these days. and why did she keep pushing it? luckily things weren't uncomfortable or anything, she took that as a satisfying answer and moved her line of questioning on to something else. but, i mean...how should i have handled this?

the cost of procrastination

2010-03-22T20:15:00.002-04:00

i start a new job tomorrow that will last a few weeks, so today I went through that panic mode i always default to where i feel like i have to get a lot of shit done since I a)haven't been doing anything and b) won't have free time for a while. Since I had a couple of things to do at the local walgreens, i decided to take my list of needed household items with me and stock up on supplies.

usually when I'm not working, i'll keep a list of things i need or might be needing soon. By putting it off as long as possible, in my mind I am saving money that i don't have. and then, days like today when i know i'll have a paycheck in the near future, I head out and stock up. all of this is just a really long way of saying that i just spent $90 at walgreens. and it was all stuff i kind of needed. i could've skipped the shampoo, conditioner, and deodorant, but it would be my close quarter workmates that would suffer when i realized too late that i was out. i could've forewent the economically priced three pack of Brita filters, but that's water we're talking about (and it was basically like buy 2 get 1 free when comparing prices!!). i could've left out the 8 pack of paper towels, but i ran out of paper towels about three weeks ago and it's been annoying. also it was only three dollars more to get six more rolls, and i'm a bargain hunter.

even though i went in with a list of six things to get, walking through the aisles reminded me of other items i needed. i've lived in austin for five months and just today i finally got ice cube trays. so...i'm wondering...in honor of curbing my procrastination/master rationalizing habits, maybe it would be better if i spent a few dollars here and there as needed instead of having a heart attack when i have to pay for everything at once. it kind of cancels out the glory of a paycheck if you spend it before you earn it.

this is why i'm single

2010-03-07T14:00:00.003-05:00

before i begin, you should know that i have two major complexes. the first is thinking that people don't or won't remember me after a couple meets. the second is my height. i went on a couple dates with a guy who lost me after he made fun of my height.

i also am one who loves an occasion to dress a lil fancy. however, i can only fully enjoy it if i'm either headed to a destination with another person or if i can go from point A to point B with no stops. new york has trained me to believe that going out with a skirt and makeup equals catcalls, comments, and/or propositions. unfortunately for me last night, i not only headed to my destination solo, but i also had to make a quick stop on the way.

whilst i was waiting in line to pay, i hear out of the corner of my ear "oh, hold up, there's a beautiful lady next to you." now...it's hard for me to explain this, but i really hate this shit. i'm not being egotistical here, i was the only female with 8 other drunken males in the store, so this guy was obviously talking about me. this happens to me all the time -- a guy will loudly say something similar to this, hoping that that in itself will be so flattering to me that i'd turn around and engage him in conversation. however, i never respond to these attempts. i don't think it should be assumed that i'm standing around listening to all the conversations around me waiting to hear if someone thinks i'm hot. if somebody wants to talk to me, it would do them good to try and get my attention first.

alright so here i am not responding to this because for all i know, some beautiful lady could've walked in the store behind me and he's talking about her. or maybe he refers to his friends as beautiful ladies. it's not for me to decipher. then i hear him say 'what do you have going on tonight?' i don't answer because i am faced 180 degrees away from this person. he doesn't have my attention! i don't just walk through the aisles of the grocery stores answering questions i overhear. so then after my nonresponse, he says 'oh, so she's ignoring me.' this is the line that they always go to and it angers me to no end. it is also the line that i allow myself to acknowledge these people, because at this point i need to show that i am not being timid, i'm just being annoyed.

so i turn to him and i say "No, i just don't respond to someone unless they are directly addressing me" and i turn back around to face the cashier. of course all seven of his drunken friends are like "OHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" there are still two of his drunken friends in front of me in line. the cashier is enjoying this situation a little too much, but does give me a supportive smile of solidarity. at this point, i believe that i'm in the clear. i've acknowledged him. i've not shown interest. and again i am facing away from him. i just want to pay and get out. but give them an inch and they'll take a motherfucking mile. like that stalker i had.

so this guy is conversing with me like we're on our first date:

douche: Do we stink?

Me: (turns to look at this mass of large sweaty drunken menchildren.) Like liquor? (turns back to face away from them)

douche: well, yeah obviously, but body odor? we've been playing all day.

me: i can only smell liquor.

douche: We had an awesome day. We did some great stuff! We played about 54 holes of golf.

me: wow. impressive. (do i even need to note my sarcastic tone here? also, i am still not even facing or looking at these guys.)

douche: well. not real golf. disc golf. we're pretty lazy guys. we like to get a lot of beer, a shitload of kind bud, and just get fucked up and play all day.

non-douchey friend: dude! stop!

douche: what? she's not a cop.

non-douchey friend: just stop.

douche: she's too short to be a cop. (*please note that he is calling me short while i'm wearing boots with three inch heels. imagine if he'd seen how short i really am.)

non-douchey friend: dude. what is your problem?

douche: she's too short to be a cop! she can't be a cop. cops aren't short.

at this point, he moves from behind me to the left side of me, and sticks his head in close.

douche: you're not a cop right?

me: (scoffs and shakes head in disbelief.)

douche: see! she said it herself. she's not a cop because she's too short.

me: (leaves)

slappin' batman

2010-02-05T20:41:00.004-05:00

my brother came across a pretty awesome site today, the Batman Comic generator, which takes a fantastic panel from an old batman comic, and allows you to fill in the dialogue. my brother challenged me to come up with one better than his. i started working on my first one as he sent me his. here is mine:

then i saw his:

and i decided that he is clearly going to win this one. he also came up with these little brill-os.

running tip

2010-01-12T19:02:00.003-05:00

words of advice -- you probably shouldn't go for a run after a) having not gone in about two weeks because 2) you had a weird chest sickness that had you almost coughing your lungs out. especially if C) that was followed by maybe the horrid end to that chest illness or a attack of allergies or a different illness that prevented nose breathing the majority of the time, left your upper lip red raw and peeling, and/or forced you to keep little spitoon kleenexes everywhere just in case. even if you think this might be the last day of this illness, you've thought that for the last three days. wait a few more before hitting the old runnin' path again.

it was a beautiful day today. there's no sign of the arctic freeze of last weekend . i could actually breathe through my nose. sure, there was still need for a tissue every now and again, but not often. (if you're squeamish about boogs, you should skip ahead. i'm not gonna be graphic, i'm just sayin.) also, i felt like i could cough something out eventually, but whatever was residing back there just wasn't ready to come out. so i felt like it would be okay to try and start running again. i felt awesome on my first few steps. it was sunny but cool. my breath wasn't labored. my body wasn't sore from coughing. and then i hit the first hill. and breathing became eh...hard. and my lungs were all 'hey, we're just kind of getting back to not seizing at consistent periods throughout the day. chill.' but i pushed on at a slightly slower pace. then that little residual stuff that was hanging out decided to start a revolution. still not big enough for me to force out, but enough to make me emit noises with every breath. to refrain from sounding like an old fat man breathing, i would forcefully cough, which seemed to force it out of the way enough to not affect my breath intake.

i finally get to the last half mile of my run, which happens to contain the biggest hill on my run. this is so close to where i started, i just try to push myself. i'm breathing heavily and i feel that damn little spot of saliva acting up again. except this time, i feel it reaching gag zone. so i'm all, 'okay sara, just don't cough or sharply inhale through your noise and you'll be fine.' and then i cleared my throat. so here i am at the top of the hill, gagging, but i think i'm covering it well since my hands are over my mouth. i have briefly stopped running at this point because usually if i just stick it out, whatever is causing the problem gets cleared and i eventually can breathe again. except, the problem causer is still that same little whatever that isn't large enough to force out. so now it's making me emit horrid donkey noises. oh and i can't really catch a breath because of this, so as i'm gagging/making donkey noises/trying to get a breath of air, i'm thinking about how this is how i die.

i didn't die. i don't think anyone noticed. and i was able to finish the run. but i learned my lesson.

a chin on my shoulder

2010-01-11T13:19:00.006-05:00

so this whole jay leno thing. a quick rundown if you don't know -- jay leno's primetime suckfest was canned after five months of low ratings. so now, nbc is offering the 11:35 time slot back to jay leno because they realized what a terrible idea it was to give five hours of primetime tv a week to a man that isn't funny. this, of course, is where conan is, and he was basically given the option of moving to midnight or getting the hell out.

ok first of all, this deal with conan--if i remember correctly--was made like 5 years ago. i remember thinking how far 2009 seemed and how i couldn't wait til conan started hosting the tonight show. this has been in the works for a long time. clearly, whoever was running nbc back then knew that jay leno's shtick was tired and unfunny and it was about time to get a change in the chair.

so then..what, like a year ago? it's announced that jay leno gets this primetime version of his show...because what? everyone loves jay leno? he had the top ratings in late night? nbc was so starved for ratings that they thought that losing jay leno and his late-night ratings to another network would spell the rest of their demise. when actually keeping him did. because look, top ratings in late night do not equal top ratings in primetime. late night is a routine for most people. i love conan, but i'll admit i don't watch the tonight show every night. i've only seen it a handful of times since he's taken over. at that time, i'm busy watching shit i dvr'd from primetime. the people that do watch late night talk shows i think make a point of watching it. so they'll usually be there. as long as you don't screw it up. maybe, nbc, if you hadn't saturated every night with four talk shows, essentially splitting your own ratings, you wouldn't be in this much trouble.

also..what were the fucking options back when they were making this deal? "Hmm, well, if we don't make a deal with Jay now, he's gonna walk to another network. And he's the highest rated late night host. So, that means we COULD POSSIBLY lose the only thing we're winning at. instead of risking that and backing the man we hired five years ago to do this job, let's keep jay doing essentially the same show at primetime. this way, we'll definitely lose the only thing we're winning at. and we'll screw up everything else that hasn't been affected yet. like local newscasts. fuck them. go jay."

i realize that when nbc made this deal with jay, it was for a long period of time. i understand that they probably couldn't have just canceled him...they would've had to buy out his contract. and the last place network probably can't afford that. i mean...they had to realize how this could blow up when they were hammering out the deal, right? and THEN! there was a quote the other day from jay leno after it came out his show was canceled. i'm paraphrasing here, but it was something like "yeah we had low ratings, but nbc also canceled me when i had the best ratings, so..." and it's like. no. jay fucking leno, nbc did not cancel you when you had the best ratings. SEVERAL years ago, they thought it would be a good idea to hire a new face. they made a deal with that person. and then with another person. and these two people changed their lives for this deal that was made a long time ago. their LIVES. conan moved across the country for this job. so that's not really canceling you, jay leno, it's more like you were given notice to find a new job, so you threw a big fit about it. and now nbc is screwed. and conan might be fleeing the network. good for him. and i never thought i'd say this, but i hope jimmy fallon comes out okay also.

desperate housewives

2009-12-10T16:34:00.003-05:00

because of my recent move, i had to start over with a new dvr box. i lost the 15+ movies i had recorded and several shows i didn't get to see since i was working crazy hours that last week in ny. usually when i have nothing to do, i'll watch whatever saved shows or movies i have. i rarely watched live tv. i don't really know what to do when i have to sit through commercial breaks. i never really used the hundreds of channels i had because i always had something prerecorded to get by on. however, the new dvr put an end to that.

not only was i starting with a clean slate, i had also recently begun a new way of life in which i don't waste time on things i don't really care about. i cut the amount of tv shows i tried to watch weekly by a pretty good percentage. now the only shows i watch are the ones i can't wait to see. because of this, usually everything i record nightly gets watched that night. sometimes i'll save a show or two to get me through the next day, but no longer will i have a backup of 60+ shows. literally that will no longer happen because my current dvr has about 25% capacity that my last did. so that also keeps me in check.

anyway, all of this preface is to get to this show i recently discovered since i have been forced to watch tv live these days. i remember someone once mentioning it in passing (christine maybe?), so when i was bored and flipping through the guide a while ago, i decided to give it a shot. The show, called "Snapped", is about normal, everyday women that one day SNAP and KILL...usually their husbands. it's kind of fascinating, if unnecessarily graphic at times, to watch these stories. especially when you take into consideration the yarns these women spin to make it seem like the death was "an accident" or "a surprise".

that first night i discovered it, i think they played three episodes in a row (some are half an hour, others are an hour long). whenever i found myself searching through the guide, i found that i would usually put it on Snapped if it was on. and it was on a lot. then, about a week ago, they had a snapped marathon. all day, all snapped. i thought to myself "damn, where'd they find all these killer womenz?" again today, i find myself watching a mini marathon of snapped episodes and what comes on but a commercial for the new year's eve Snappedfest -- another full day marathon of Snapped episodes. this started to concern me when i realized that this show isn't on the True Crime channel or A&E like i thought, but actually on Oxygen. is it a little disconcerting to anyone else that the channel that caters mostly to housewives is CONSTANTLY playing a show about how women killed their husbands and almost got away with it?

greetings from the wasteland

2009-12-10T02:04:00.005-05:00

in my thorough investigation of the internets, i have left many an abandoned site username in my wake. usually i really don't sign up for accounts for things unless i know i'm going to use it (or unless it seems like it's something i have to do for whatever i'm trying to get accomplished in that minute). recently, i've realized just how long and random that trail is. various websites like knockknock (which i signed up for to buy my brother an awesome set of novelty cards that were never delivered), world of pop (when i was really into entertainment weekly/vh1's pop culture trivia contests), and emode (we all did those quizzes to pass the time) all have logins attributed to one of my emails even though i haven't been to those sites in years. then there are the sites i used to be on religiously, like friendster, that i should really just close out instead of leaving loose web ends.

one such site is of course myspace. i used to be a strong myspace defender (over facebook) until facebook finally won me over. the sparkly holiday banners and random gifs would almost result in epileptic seizures if i didn't close the window quick enough. but the account is still there because there are some people (...musicians...) who insist on continuing to use it, so i keep it open just in case. i usually hate signing on even just to reject friend requests because in the five minutes you are signed on, you get five more random friend requests. but alas, one of those aforementioned musician friends recently sent me a message telling me he misses me, so i had to sign on in to respond.

i was able to make a quick getaway once the message was responded to, but not before seeing another message. this message was not from anyone i've ever known. the contents of the message were thus:

"we should makeout. lol."

i think...first of all...if you are going to be so bold as to message a random stranger proposing a makeout, you should own it completely and not second guess yourself with an lol. second of all, people need to stop just putting lol after sentences. i went to the store lol! i bought some milk lol! the expiration date is in a week and a half lol!! and third of all...whaaaaatt?

santas all around

2009-12-08T15:25:00.003-05:00

can you imagine being an old white man whose personal preference is the full-bodied beard? this look -- old man with beard -- is a pretty basic non-fancy look to sport, but if you are fat and your hair is white, you are automatically santa. even if you are just trying to live your life, you are santa. so, are these guys that choose to rock a full, snowy white beard in their twilight years doing so with full knowledge and not a care in the world that they are rocking the santa look? does it even cross their minds? do they know that i grew up in hawaii, so even if it is not wintertime and i see an old red-faced man with white hair and a white beard wearing a flower print shirt and some khaki shorts it makes me think "HAWAIIAN SANTA!!!"?

phone conversations with my mother

2009-12-07T00:35:00.003-05:00

me: today is bianca's birthday.
mom: how old is she?
me: um...let's see, i'm 27--
mom: --YOU'RE 27?! i thought you were--- someone just asked me how old you were and i told them 26 but then i was like 'maybe she's 25'.
me: ...
mom: i can't believe you're 27. you're old!
me: ...and ricky's 30, so that means bianca is 29.

is this endearing or should i worry that my mother is losing it?

wtf?

2009-11-23T11:49:00.002-05:00

Box of Doom

2009-11-12T14:35:00.001-05:00

I'm watching arrested development as I unpack and it may be one of the best ideas I've ever had. The episode that's playing while I tackle the kitchen is the one in which Lucille crashed the car, but put Michael in the driver's seat to make it look like it was his fault. And they keep mentioning that a bump in the back of the head causes short-term memory loss.

This reminds me (but vaguely and fuzzily) about a tidbit from that car accident I was in several years ago. I remember trying to deduce what caused my head injury. And since I was wading through some pretty severe short term memory loss of my own, this was like a fun game of Clue.

The evidence I had were my busted sunglasses, bent on one side (but not the side the window was on), the book en espanol I was reading on the journey, cover now torn, and the lunchbox. Ah, the lunchbox. One of those harmless 80's plastic boxes that came with matching thermos. That lunchbox was residing on the space over the shoulders of the backseat. And since my seatmate got the force of the rear windshield in her back upon impact, I'm assuming that I got the force of the 'box nailed into the back of my noggin. The lunchbox contained our first aid kit. Between that and how the seatbelt-wearing may have screwed my back up for life, I'm beginning to lose my trust in safety.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, suckas!

I promise I'm not a threat

2009-11-07T17:17:00.000-05:00

This week I drove about 2,500 miles around the country with my bestie without incident (well...one very very minor incident). No speeding tickets, no crashes, no murdered animals (though an idiot possum nearly lost his life to our front left tire), no gas station abductions in Mississippi. Then David headed on his way back to New York and I on my 500 mile solo journey from oklahoma back to Austin. And on my first full day with my brand new car, I got pulled over by a texas state trooper.

Now before you have a heart attack, I wasn't speeding. However, in my twelve years of driving, I have never been pulled over. Not in Hawaii, not when I was manhandling fifteen passenger vans in New York...never. So I was cursing myself out even though I knew that I wasn't speeding. Well, as it turns out, I better brush up on my Texas state driving handbook before getting a Texas license because I was pulled over for a rule I didn't know about -- not moving to the left lane when passing a cop who has pulled over somebody else. I even ALMOST did this. I considered moving to the left as I laughed at the guy who was probably pulled over for speeding, but I was in an area littered with signs saying the left lane was for passing only and didn't want the patrolman to get me for being in the wrong lane. Dummy.

The patrolman was very nice, he explained why he pulled me over and I very innocently told him I had just moved here and was unfamiliar with that particular law. He asked where I moved from and I told him New York. "New York? Not Oklahoma?" he says. My plates that I had just gotten earlier in the day were Oklahoma plates. "Well, my dad lives in oklahoma, and he got me this car." He asked where I was headed and I told him austin. He asked if I was a student and I said no. He then asked for my insurance card and license. This is when I hand over my Hawaii driver's license, to which he exclaims "Hawaii?!". Great, I have now given this guy four different places where I am supposedly from. I'm surprised he didn't cuff me right there for being shifty. We make more conversation about how my life journey has taken me these places and then he tells me he's going to let me off with a warning. Luv him.

So, for my first cop experience, I think it was as painless as it could have been. However, it was pretty much the least bad ass thing I could've been pulled over for, and may ruin my street cred. Also, I really think the only reason he was able to catch up with me was because the car my dad bought me is fire engine red which just screams "I dare you to find me again, oh wait I'm right here."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, suckas!

Jitters

2009-11-03T01:02:00.000-05:00

I'm two-thirds of the way through
my transition from New York to Austin and it's weirding me out how eerily calm I am about this. The day I left my college after graduation I cried the whole half hour drive to the hotel, then continued to cry in my mother's lap the rest of the night, falling asleep there like a big pussy. I was expecting probably something similar or a little more mature this time. After all, everything I know and love - aside from my family and my homestate - is in New York. To be honest, there was one night I had a soft cry and I'll leave you all to think it was the night I hung out with you that that happened (but really it was the night I hung out with you). Other than that, I'm aware that I'm sad about leaving a list of things, but it's been pretty okay. Every once in a while when I'm the one driving I kind of realize I'm not going back to New York and I panic a little. I'm still expecting it to sink in more eventually, but I also feel like all signs point to me making the right decision here.

Weird. Sorry. I'll try not to do more serious times here.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, suckas!

I'll treat you right

2009-10-28T12:19:00.001-04:00

I know I've been super absent recently. I'm in the middle of moving my entire life halfway across the country and working full-time and trying to say goodbyes and clear my dvr but gah! there's not enough time. I did get this handy blogger app for my phone, which I didn't know existed until recently, so I'll try to be better. I'll treat you right babies. Just wait for me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, suckas!

my chariot awaits

2009-10-21T00:39:00.003-04:00

Meet my new car! Ain't she (or he) kyeut?

this baby is currently chilling in Oklahoma waiting to carry me the last leg of my NY to Austin road trip and she is sitting there without a name.

I always figured I'd probably want to name a car, but never actually thought I'd have to do it. I've never been good at naming. I was a joint contributor for beagle Ben and cat Einstein, but other animals were named by others. Beyond that, I've named a few iPods-- two of which have the same name (albeit separated by a II) and I have one name prepared for a daughter (I'm screwed beyond that).

I considered not naming it because, well...you know it doesn't really need one...but it wouldn't be polite to get inside this lady without knowing her name first. ifyouknowwhatimean.

SO I thought I'd get someone else to name it in our first ever Car Naming Contest!!!!! Enter by submitting your suggestion in the comments (duh). Enter as many names as you want. If somebody else doesn't pick this car's name, I'll probably end up calling it Putt Putt. Whoever wins gets the first makeout with me in the backseat, (unless we are related..then i will select a different prize) but your trip to Texas is at your own expense.

paper bag chronicles

2009-10-13T15:41:00.003-04:00

alright guys. here's the deal. this is the 700th post (wee!) and sadly, i think it's been at least a hundy since we've seen becca around these parts. i had this big plan for the 700th post, but it might take a little more time than i originally thought. and sometimes i can't say all i need to say in a 140 character tweet. and shit, i got stories to tell. so whenever the original 700th post ends up happening, we'll make a big deal of it. cool?

even though i'm not as hardcore as some of the other earth lovers out there, i do my best to cut my waste down. i recycle and reuse stuff as much as i can. whenever i go to the grocery store, i take a plastic bag full of plastic bags to deposit in their handy little plastic bag recycler. my point is, i make an effort.

this job that i started two and a half weeks ago (and any production job, really) gives me enough financial comfort where i feel i can do things like, say, eat breakfast. so on my way in, i get a fried egg and cheese (and turkey bacon, bitches!!) or a lil yogurt/granoley, or some sort of cream cheese doohicky, and every time they give me a bag. they are too quick for me to turn it down. the same thing happens at lunch. so i'm getting all these bags, and i don't want to throw them away. they're perfectly good bags. i can save them for when i have kids that are old enough that i need to pack their lunches in brown bags. (you think i'm kidding. you don't know how much stuff i save 'just in case' my future kids need it.) so i started saving these brown bags on the corner of my desk.

before i go on, let me drop some info bombs on y'all. i sit on the farthest side of the office, with a luxury bathroom view. every time someone needs to use the toilet, they need to pass me. (and everytime they need to drop a deuce, i get the first air freshener whiff.) also, every time they pass my computer, there's a good chance they get a glimpse of something i'm researching for work, which in these past few weeks have included photos of lynchings. add to this loner skinhead status that belch that i forgot to put the silencer on for, plus my corner stack of paper bags and i'm probably quite the weirdo.

my original goal in saving the first 5 or so bags was to take them out with me and just offer them to reuse instead of being given a new one. this method was problematic for several reasons. number one -- bags on the corner of my desk don't help when i'm getting breakfast on my way into the office. number two - when i would go out for lunch, i would take only my phone and my wallet, and would constantly forget to bring a bag with me. ONCE. once i remembered and i felt like the greatest little earth saver.

this brings us to today. today i felt like i wanted to make extra effort to make my bag dreams come true. i had even remembered to put a handful (i probably have about twenty at this point) in my bag so that i would have something for the way in. well, missed my shot at breakfast time because i skipped that meal today. as i'm leaving to get lunch, i surprise myself and remember to take my shoulder bag with me, knowing that i just put brown bags in it the night before. i head out and pick up a sandwich. the lady offers me a bag and i say 'no thank you! i came packing'. i grab my shit and turn around to pull out a little bag and see that my bag is empty. in all my wisdom, i took the handful of bags out at my apartment last night (i guess to put them in the Future Children's Belongings pile). so i just shove the sandwich in my shoulder bag and head to a bodega to get a beverage.
as i'm pulling change out of my pocket to pay for the chicka cherry cola, the too fast for me bodega lady has already slid my bottle into a bag and moved on to the next. why i didn't just give the bag back, we'll never know. but i took it. so on a journey that i should've had negative bags, i STILL ended up with one extra.

oh also, another time i had gotten some turkey chili and the girl offered a bag. i said no and she was all 'it's really hot. you're gonna need a bag'. why is the world against me saving it?!?!

Twitter Me This

2009-09-11T16:30:00.003-04:00

Well now I've gone and done it. I finally caved to the pressures of society and this ever-changing internet universe and gotten myself a twitter account. i have spent weeks agonizing with this decision, and i figured i was going to do it at some point, might as well just git 'er done. so, i've rationalized it in as many ways as i can think of. i am approaching it not as a way to tell everyone about every aspect of my personal business, but more as an outlet for things i don't feel like writing an entire 140+ character blog about. also, next week i'm going to try an experiment of sorts. Instead of the Reality Corner recaps, I'm going to instead try live "twittering" ("tweeting"? i don't know the lingo yet. call me an old lady, but i actually watched their how-to video. i didn't want to come off as "uncool" to the "twittering masses"). Next week's Top Model will be the guinea pig. so if you're on and interested, you can follow me @pudepaw. there's also a little box on the right side of this blog with recent tweets if you don't feel like signing up.

also, a side note. there might be a little bit of a delay in posting for a little while. i'm trying to coordinate something to happen, i just don't know exactly when it will. so, if you need your fix, twitter will probably be your best bet for now.

the next tom selleck

2009-09-08T23:10:00.003-04:00

do you know how our moms would always ooh and aah over tom selleck and 'oh that mustache' and 'he's so handsome' and 'mmm chest hair' about him? and like, growing up, we kind of got it, but not totally because he was old and hairy? or sean connery for the moms before that? man, i think george clooney is totally going to be that for our kids. because we all know he's so hot and dashing, but i saw some pictures of him today where he looked kind of older than he is in a couple of them (especially with that busted up hand), and i could foresee children of the future thinking "hmm, maybe i get it, but he's kind of old and silvery."

picture story!!!

2009-09-06T20:27:00.004-04:00

once upon a time, i payed my gas bill. a couple weeks later, i got this in the mail:

Suspicious by the handwritten address, I hastily opened up the letter. Inside, I found the following pieces:

The letter thanked me for my recent payment, but expressed regret that they could not cash my check because of... and the (check here) that was marked was "Damaged by Post Office". Sure enough, there was what looked like my mailing nestled inside a larger US Post Office Envelope. I pulled out the contents:

and found what the gas company had received:

don't you wonder what the post office did that devoured three-quarters of my check? also, national grid is the only one of my bills that requires no postage when mailing it in, but the replacement envelope they sent DOES require postage. DAMMIT!!! i should sue the post office for 44 cents. Is that what it is these days?

Tales of Brooklyn Wooing: Gyro King

2009-08-15T22:06:00.002-04:00

i know this is something i've pondered before, but i really do wonder about certain dudes' methods of trying to pick someone up. if you need me to get into specifics, i did so here. catch up if you need to and come back to me.

i went into my fave kensington 24 hr gyro place since i worked late today and had nothing defrosted to cook. as soon as i walk in, a male customer lets out an excited yell. i figure he was as thrilled as i was about the gyros. i walk up to the counter and greet the two friendly workers that are always there (any day, any hour...when do they sleep!?) the one worker that i normally converse with was all "the usual?" and i was all 'Oh Roger*, you know me so well'. (Note: his name isn't roger and really i just said "yes"). then some guy who i had heard yelling in the bathroom comes lumbering out. the first yelling guy scurries up to him, says something to him and gestures to me, to which the lumberer responds with "WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! how are YOU doing?!" so now i'm uncomfortable because two random dudes are screaming at the sight of me. between the two of them, they are saying random things about how good i look blah blah blah, at which point my dear friend, roger** (**again, not his name) asks them to stop because i am a very good customer. i kind of fell in love with roger for defending my honor here. then i kind of just ignore this guy and watch the other worker put together my gyro. Lumberer responds to this as "man, why you gotta do that? it's not like the ghetto. it's not like i was all 'yo ma, looking good baby.'

ok, seriously? number one - seriously? number two - i don't know where this kid lives, but ghetto or no, anywhere i go in the city there is a good chance someone will say "yo ma, looking good baby" and third...wouldn't you say screaming "WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! how are YOU doing?!" is pretty equivalent to this "ghetto" example? i mean, seriously. then this lumberer is still rambling on about this and is finally like 'i'm just a guy, wanting to say hi, see how you're doing. i may be a little drunk, but...' at this point i was like 'yes, i can tell you are drunk.' i paid for my sandwich, and in my haste to grab my free soda ($4.00 meal deal!) and get the eff outta there i FORGOT to tip roger!! i ALWAYS tip him, and out of all the times to forget to tip him, it had to be the time that he was my hero! i considered going back to give him the tip, but i was worried the two drunkos would take that as a sign that i wanted to see them again.

the sad thing is that i bet mr. lumberer gets more action than i do. i guess i'm just picky.

the girl with the face

2009-08-13T16:33:00.003-04:00

the other day, i was asking a fellow boxing class member about the whereabouts of a third class member. i asked for the third by name, and the girl i was asking had a confused look on her face and asked who i was talking about. i started to say something descriptive, when the girl i was conversing with cut in with "oh! is she the one with the..." and then made a general hand gesture around her face. my response was "yes, her", even though i don't really know what she meant by that.

protect the eyes!!

2009-08-06T00:05:00.000-04:00

Nothing like shards of glass flying towards your face to let you know you're back in new york. I was headed to my local Vietnamese sandwich place for some delicious lunch and refreshing lychee boba tea when I was nearly split into chunks by flying pieces of a broken snapple bottle. Someone had descended the stairs into the subway and for some reason tossed this already shattered bottle back up the stairs with excessive force. I had been just turning the corner approaching this stairway (the sandwich place is just past the subway entrance) when I was greeted with these flying shards. There was no warning, just near death/blindness. Gotta love NYC.

flirting and cleavage

2009-07-20T22:19:00.005-04:00

tips in the shoppe have been a little lower than norm in the past month or so. i blame it on summer break -- we have no after school rush. it's great to be mostly kid-free, but it also slows down the tip jar. i have recently come up with a master plan; a double attack strategy to coax out the dollars (or cents. i'll take cents. they add up.)

step one - cut a hole in a box. oh wait. no not that plan. step one - maximum cleavage. before i leave the house, i do the bend check. since i do a lot of leaning over and bending in the shop, i try to make sure that you can't see my belly button through my neckline when i do so. anything else goes. i also try and factor in other people's height, so it doesn't get too scandalous for the work place, but that's kind of difficult seeing as 86%* of the world is taller than i.

step two - flirt city. i used to think that i never flirted with anybody. then one day i realized that it was kind of more like i flirted with everybody. so, to a certain extent, i use this in Operation Tip Jar. and by "to a certain extent" i mean "mainly with hot people". not that i think hot people will tip me more, i just hate writing checks i'd rather not cash ifyouknowwhatimean. and also, i have a tendency to pick up stalkers just by being friendly. who knows what trouble i could get myself into†.

anyway, on that rather superficial note-- a short anecdote from the day's cookie hustle:

i received a call at the shoppe, and answered with my standard greeting, "Ye Olde Shoppe, this is Sara"^. the voice on the other end said "Hi, Sara", proceeded to ask me to put aside some whoopie pies under the name Keri, and said that she'd be by in about 20 minutes to pick them up. I put the cookies aside for her and then kind of forgot about it. I started in on my closing duties, occasionally interrupted by a customer or two, but nobody i could be super friendly with because i'm getting only older or underaged, gay and/or married. as i'm finishing up with a man and his two (not underaged, but probably not old enough) kids, the front entrance bell rings. i quickly glance over, notice what seems to be a very pretty lady, and then turn back to the man. as i'm saying my standard "thanks" and "have a good one", my brain is like 'umm...pretty sure that pretty lady is keri russell'. so then i turn to the lady that just entered, and it is indeed her. she says "hi, i'm keri." and my mind says "i know this, but why are you telling me?" she then proceeds to say that she called a little while ago about the whoopie pies. oh! it all comes together.

anyway, the whole point of this story is that now i can totally tell everyone that i've had a phone conversation with keri russell.

*rough estimate
†this implies that no hot people are stalkers. i like to believe this is true, even though i know from experience that it isn't
^may vary slightly from my standard greeting

latte art

2009-07-18T20:35:00.005-04:00

no matter how hard i try-- how many times i practice, how many videos i watch, how many times i watch someone else do it -- i cannot for the life of me make a damn leaf in a cup of coffee. my shoppe doesn't require that we are arteests with our steamed milk...it's not like i'm going to get fired for not ever being able to produce a leaf...but i think it would be a neat skill to break out at parties. coffee parties.

even though i know i can't make a leaf, every time i make a latte, i try. i do exactly what those videos and the real people told me to do, hoping the leaf will one day show up. since this never happens, i kind of just get creative at the end of the milk pour and freehand a design. it's edgier than a leaf. so there. once i accidentally made a happy face. usually, i like to guess what i've made. a rabbit on the run, a duck, a cloud. one time, my freehand design looked like a vag painting. so i joked to my coworker that it was the georgia o'keefe special.

unfortunately, all my freehand modern art latte designs are one of a kind, and can't be recreated. this was most unfortunate later in the day, when christine marinoni came into the shop (presumably to buy a nice treat for her lady). as was pointed out by the aforementioned coworker, had i been able to do it again, i could've confidently (and appropriately) (or...inappropriately) offered her the GO'K spesh.

the robots will destroy us

2009-07-02T23:37:00.000-04:00

guys, something crazy just happened to me. but let me take you back a few weeks to when i was just a girl with a regular ol' flip phone talking to her mother. my mom's friend had just been showing her iphone off to my mother, and all the fancy new york specific apps she had gotten for her recent trip here. i, of course, had always wanted one, but the truth was, i liked my phone, there was nothing wrong with it, and i don't really have expendable income. but when my mom brought it up, i took it a step further and researched it. it turns out i was due for an upgrade, so i went for it and joined the world of smartphone users.

i can already tell having this thing is making me a more efficient person. i have train timetables and i can access my schedule really quickly. I am used to keeping a sole wall calendar in my bedroom where i write in all my doings, so whenever someone wanted to hang out, i'd have to be all "i'll get back to you after i check my calendar. which i have to go home to do." i have never been able to keep up with the electronic updating required of iCal or my gmail calendar. but now...it all syncs! anyway, this isn't a smartphone commercial, i'm just trying to paint a picture here. i can check my email on my phone, and this prompted me to finally marry my hotmail and gmail accounts. before, i would spend an hour after work checking my reader and email, but now i can do it all...when the fuck ever!

so yes, with this extra efficiency and large amount of free time i now have, i have been inspired plow through my to do lists. plural. because i can't keep just one. i start one in one room, another on my desk, another in my mind. so then i got this great idea to add these all to one Epic To-Do list using the Notes function of my phone. (what a difference a qwerty keyboard makes. Eff you T9!!) i loaded it up for the first time, and started a new note. whence i finished, i noticed there was another note there from april of like 2008. i was all, maybe this is a factory installed note example. but weird that it's from so long ago. then, i click on the note.

this note was a note that i had indeed authored in april of 2008. it was from back when i was still doing the weekly roundups here on the blog (back when there were enough weekly posts to do this). it was just a draft of a roundup. a sentence and a link, a sentence and a link. BUT HOW DID MY PHONE GET IT?!?!

i do remember writing one note once in my email program. i use gmail, but i check it through Mail on my computer. So i was like, oh maybe it just synced. That's cool. But when i checked the notes folder on Mail, IT WASN'T THERE! i had, in fact, deleted it a while ago, as i thought i had. OMG HOW DID MY PHONE GET IT BIG BROTHER BIG BROTHER ARJIWAO;FJINAEO;AWEOWR;MJEW

Birthday times!!

2009-06-24T18:03:00.004-04:00

Happy 30th to my big brother!! by now we should all know that if I make a birthday video, expect whatever is coming in the mail to be tardy!! hooray!!

and now i've officially wished my brother a happy birthday every place that i could. yay, ricky!!

fun with voicemail

2009-06-22T13:21:00.005-04:00

when i record my outgoing voicemail message, i usually try to make it clever or entertaining in some way that will also get me a message that is clever or entertaining. i started doing this a couple phones ago (it's weird to me that i'm on my fifth phone, fourth if you don't count the tracfone that was my first cellular device once i upgraded from a beeper) because even though i would say my name in my outgoing message, i would still get all sorts of wrong numbers that would leave messages anyway. i once got a message that was like "Carol! I'm downstairs waiting for you!" if you hear a voicemail that's all "this is sara, leave a message"...would you go on to leave a message for carol? this guy did. and many others did for many others.

thus, one of my first non-standard outgoing greetings went something like "this is sara, leave a message. if you are not calling for sara, don't leave a message, because i don't know who you are and i won't call you back." that actually worked, and i don't think i got any misdirected voicemails. but then, that phone lived its life and i had to get a new one. i attempted to recreate the outgoing message, but it felt forced, and i had to go back to the drawing board.

another of my favorite outgoing messages was the one challenging callers to leave the best voicemail, and stating that only the caller who left the best voicemail would get a call back. (it was a bluff, i called everyone back) i got a lot of hilarious voicemails and songs out of that one, and i also got a lot of people getting nervous at the challenge and just rambling about how they couldn't think of something awesome to say but please call them back.

so this brings me now to the new phone i got just a couple weeks ago. sadly, i had to say goodbye to the Best Voicemail Competition (with fears that recreation would again feel forced). i think what i have now just very basically asks people calling me to leave a pleasant or hilarious message, since i love being entertained and/or pleased. i just got a phone call from a number i didn't recognize (aka a phone call that goes straight to voicemail). here is a transcript of the message i got:

"umm, hello, i think i've called the wrong number. i don't know if that's pleasant or hilarious, but...there it is. (laughs) ok. bye."

everyone wins!! he left a message, so i'm not left wondering who the eff in the catskills just called me. he was aware that i was not the intended party, but he abided by my voicemail rules! and i DID find it hilarious! should i call him back and ask him to marry me?

the alarm who cried wolf

2009-06-21T20:38:00.005-04:00

does anyone ever really pay attention to alarms anymore? i'm not talking about alarms you wake up to, i'm talking about fire alarms, car alarms, etc. i feel like we're all so used to false alarms, that our immediate reaction is to do nothing. a fire alarm has gone off in my building a few times since i've lived here. i react in this order:

1) hear the alarm, think about how annoying it is.
2) if the alarm has gone on for more than a few minutes, look out the peephole to see if anyone else is fleeing
3) if no one is fleeing, continue as i was

one time, about a month after i moved to this building, i smelled smoke. it was strong enough that i did about three thorough checks in my apartment to make sure it was nothing of mine that had burst into flames. i looked out the peephole, and things looked foggy, like maybe my peephole was dirty, but no one seemed to be fleeing. a few minutes later, the firetruck came. when i opened the door, the "dirty peephole" actually turned out to be smoke filled halls. the firemen were giving the all clear, so i went back into my abode. i later found out that the people in the apartment directly below me had fallen asleep after putting boiling water on the stove. the alarm never went off in this situation.

anyway, i was reminded of this because i was changing me clothes at the gym today and an alarm went off in the girls' locker room. there were three others in the locker room with me and i heard someone in one of the showers. no one flinched or made any effort to vacate. not even i. and when you think about how often car alarms go off at the slam of a door, or when a motorcycle drives past...does anybody actually react when a car is actually being stolen? are these alarms, for the most part useless...or should we all start reacting like it's the real thing every time?

letters to the world

2009-06-12T12:51:00.003-04:00

dear newspaper seller on the sidewalk --

i understand you are tired from sitting around all day on a sidewalk trying to sell that big stack of newspapers in front of you, but might i suggest that you not fall asleep sitting over the newspapers with a lit cigarette hanging out of your hand.

sincerely,
sara

dear subway cat --

you are very cute and it breaks my heart everytime i see you wandering around my subway station. at the same time, my heart leaps when i see you, knowing you haven't been flattened by the F. you are supposed to be white and grey, but you are dirty grey and grey. please be careful out there. you are looking thin.

love,
sara

let's talk about sex...ual harassment

2009-06-06T03:17:00.004-04:00

i have had quite the evening. i guess there are three different phases to this story, so i will start off with the first and least offensive. (and trust, this train goes to offensive city and beyond.)

i was walking from my place of part-time employment to a friend's birthday gathering. i'm walking with an umbrella because it is raining (though as i walk it's slowly letting up) and i am walking, as always, with my headphones firmly planted in my ears. (***complete side note -- i was looking for a past post to reference here, because i could've sworn i wrote something in the "tales of wooing" series about how i make a point to wear headphones always [even if my battery has died] so as to send the message that i am not interested in talking to you. so i did a half-assed blog search for "ipod" and then "woo me". alas, i didn't find the post i was looking for, but in both of those searches there were posts that i'd forgotten i'd written and giggled at. that's right. i laughed at my own jokes.***)

so ok, i'm walking, headphones, umbrella. out of the corner of my eye, i see a shady looking dude in a grey hoodie cross the street towards me and start walking right next to me at my pace. i speed up to get ahead of him, and he speeds up to keep up. then he starts talking. i have not acknowledged him at all at this point. he says hi. throws his best lines out. reads off the patch on my jacket arm that says "for successful living" and then follows up with "what the fuck is that?". i continue walking without acknowledging him because i'm trying to send the message to all the lowlifes in the world that if a girl has headphones in her ear, she doesn't want to be talked to nor can she 'hear' you. so then he's all "it's not even raining anymore." he then changes tactic and starts speaking spanish. he says "my family has lived here thirty years, how about you?" i keep walking. he is still next to me, though i've been speeding up and slowing down. then he says "are you muslim? you can't talk to guys or something?' LIKE FUCKING TAKE A HINT DUDE. i find an opportunity to break into a fast walk and leave him in my dust.

i hang out at my friend's gathering. everything is wonderful. i head out because i'm already at my pumpkin time and must head to the train. i stand on the side of the platform that my exit will be at, and prepare for a lengthy wait. after about a minute i see a guy probably in his 20's approaching. he's making some motion with his hand and i don't think anything of it. then he is much closer. and his penis is in his hand. and he is fucking. masturbating. whilst walking toward me on the subway platform. so i immediately look straight ahead and walk closer to the center of the platform where there are some other people. the whole time i'm waiting for the train (which actually wasn't that bad considering the time) i'm looking left for the train, right to make sure masturbating manny isn't headed back my way (he walked right past me initially, so it wasn't like he was coming towards me. [no pun intended. i didn't catch that piece of genius until i was rereading through this]). a train starts to come. and OF COURSE it's the fucking G train. UGH! the g train. my nemesis. ruins everything! then out of my right side, i see a guy in a cap and jacket heading back toward me. i'm pretty sure it's masturbating manny, but i didn't really look at him too clearly initially, so it could be a different guy in a cap and jacket. he seems to look at me, so i move a couple columns closer to the center. he follows. i'm like fucking great. i move closer to some bigger, friendly looking dudes and then lucky for me the train comes.

i make a point to be far enough away from this guy that i'm in a completely different car and he can't see where i get off. i walk onto the subway car making sure no eyes are following me and the first thing i see is a fucking pile of shit-looking vomit on the seat in front of me. awesome. i take a sharp left and find a seat.

when the train pulls in to my stop and i get out, i'm in the middle of the platform. i always ride at the front of the train, since that's next to my exit, so i now have to walk back toward the front. i notice an asian man probably in his 40's or 50's get out of the same car as i. he's walking ahead of me, but i pass him with a swift walk because i just want to get home. and here it starts again. i don't know if somebody sprayed me with pheromones today or something -- and might i just take this moment to point out that on the Sara Hotness Scale (the hottest i can look is a 10, the homeliest a 1), i was probably rockin' a five or six today. nothing special. yeah, i had on a boob shirt, but i also had my jacket zipped up literally to my chin. i'm wearing jeans and pumas. my hair is in a ponytail, my bangs are clipped back, and i have a fuzzy hair halo that the humidity has been so lovely as to gift me with...so let's just keep this in mind here.

so this guy pulls the same thing as the first guy, nicely bookending my night. he picks up his pace to walk near me. i hear him saying words, but i don't know what he's saying. then he starts speaking in his language, but again, even though my ipod has died at this point, i am ignoring him. headphones on, sara closed. then he starts whistling. he rotates these three things -- random english words, something in his language, whistles -- as though he were doing reps in a gym. i have picked up my pace and am walking a good distance in front of him. i take this opportunity to grasp my umbrella in my right hand. i can deliver a stronger umbrella blow with this arm, and it also leaves me free to break out my killer left hook. seriously. i am waiting to punch someone and this guy i think is asking for it. you'll see.

he somehow catches up to me (i think i slowed again once i thought i'd lost him). he crosses in front of me so that i have no choice but to acknowledge his presence. he gives me a big smile and a big thumbs up. i kind of laugh at him and nod, like, 'great'. then i keep walking. he motions at me again, and gives more thumbs up. a double this time. and i just look away this time. he motions for me to take my headphones off and i put on my bitch face, take off one earphone and say "what." he asks me how old i am. i have hit stairs at this point and jog up them ahead of him. he jogs up behind me and then says the following fucking words to me:

"Two hundred? Two hundred dollar??"

i give him the meanest bitch face i can muster, tell him "i don't know what the fuck you're talking about" and leave him in my dust.

guys. seriously this actually happened to me. !

potato in my pocket

2009-06-04T13:00:00.003-04:00

i think i just had my first "potato in my pocket" moment. a friend of mine once told me her father's harrowing tale of having to walk miles to school in the snow with only a baked potato in his pocket to keep him warm. or something.

anywho, that microsoft commercial came on where a boy and his mother are told that if they find any laptop they like under $1500, that computer is theirs (plus maybe any leftover cash? i don't know, i ff through commercials usually). after much ballyhoo, the boy chooses PC over Mac and then he's all "I'm a PC and I'm 11" and his mom is all "I'm not".

it was here i thought "Yeah, right. My kid isn't getting his own laptop at age 11. When I was a kid, we had one shared desktop (Apple all the way) that was kept in a public space (living room). IM-ing was IRC chatting, which, with dial-up modems, would only hook up about 38% of the time." then i realized what a geezer i was being and decided to be a cool parent and go with the technology flow. and then i realized that i'm single and by the time i decide i'm ready to mate, i will probably have already created a perfect little robot child.

diner hours

2009-05-24T20:19:00.003-04:00

i'm a big fan of the neighborhood i live in. my one complaint would be that there are not a lot of places to order food from (that i know of). i've got my standard three asian places (thai, japanese, chinese), and a pretty great pizza place. also, if i feel like going for a little bit of a walk (and if i'm in the rare mood for fast food), there's a kfc and a burger king that could satisfy those needs. but the one thing i've really wanted these past two years is a good burger. i know where i can get good burgers, but they are all a subway ride away...and i usually like to eat in the comfort of my own home, where i can forego pants.

so finally, a couple weeks ago, i see a menu for a diner at my door. aha! well, it might not be a great burger, but it will probably be a decent cheap one. i file the menu away for later experimentation. (also, side note -- it turns out this diner is just two blocks from me. i don't know if it's new, or if i'm only noticing it because now i have a menu).

so i'm in my bare fridge days. and i went straight from boxing to work today (meaning i had a fruit smoothie thing for lunch instead of real food), so i was pretty hungry when i got home. all day long, i was dreaming of what i might eat and i thought "hey! maybe i'll try a burger from that diner!" i check out the menu, and they have what they call a "mexican burger" which has cheddar, mushrooms, and avocado. in name and in ingredients, this burger was made for me. i salivate at the thought of this, and call the diner up at approximately 8pm. a lady answers the phone and i ask if i can make an order for delivery. "Oh, I'm sorry...We're closed" is the response i get. so A) why answer the phone?!? and B) now all i want is a mexican burger and i can't have it.

i flip to the front of the menu to check out their hours, and this is what it says:

Monday - Sunday
6am to Closing

i mean...what am i supposed to do with that? WHAT TIME IS CLOSING?!

SRC: ANTM12 - wanna teyon(a) top

2009-05-22T23:23:00.003-04:00

previously: celia was all old and shit. three bitches remain. na na na na na na.

side note -- as y'all know, i hand write my recaps, and i watched this episode last weekend after i had messed my wrist up in boxing. so i wrote it all with my left hand, and i'd just like to say that my left-hand writing is not bad. i'd say it's equivelent to the penmanship of a thirteen year old boy.

the girls get their scripts for their covergirl commercials and photo shoots. allison looks scared and lonely. aminat does a decent job. allison fucks up, but eventually comes through. teyona's nerves get to her and it seems like she might be crashing and burning. she cries, but she looks pretty crying. she does seem to recover a little, though.

panel! man, i forget how quickly the last episode moves. especially in a season that lasts forever. as soon as the top 2 are chosen, they will go to their seventeen cover try. teyona gets called out for her nerves, but her photo is gorge. allison's commerical was decent -- almost there and her voice was expressive. tyra was impressed with allison's photo shoot. aminat probably has the best commercial, though again, her photos fall short.

wouldn't it be funny if the runway show these my life as a covergirls were leading up to for mckey was just the finale show??

a decision has been reached. first called is allison (!). teyona and aminat are called down. i mean this is pretty obvious, right? right. teyona is still in it. farewell aminat, you were a stunning bitch.

allison and teyona are whisked away to (ugh) effing shoket. she stupidly says some stupid lines, the girls take some photos, and then we are sent to the rosa cha fashion show. has allison had a chance to practice her walk?

the girls are wearing tiny, shiny top hats. it's adorbs. mckey still walks lopsided. allison apparently has been practicing. these brazilian chicks are hottt. this show is crazy...there are feathers and headdresses and black oil and sexual floor sliding. teyona loses her weave. allison loses her innocence.

final panel. do you think tyra tries to look like the evil witches and queens from disney movies? since the show was bikinis, these poor girls must have their final judgment whilst wearing those bikinis. allison surprised everyone by showing improvement in her walk. teyona pleased the judges as expected. photos are compared. the two seem to get equal praise. so, who's it gonna be? (are we still pretending we haven't know this since episode 2?)

the judges deliberate. allison exceeded expectations. teyona only just met hers. other pros and cons are listed. a decision has been reached. tyra says they are the two strongest in the competition, but one has a little more. and that person is teyona. we all saw this coming, but i ain't mad at it. i probably would've been okay with either winning. though maybe allison would've found a way to make her my life as a covergirls interesting and weird.

letter to american idol

2009-05-19T23:11:00.006-04:00

dear ryan seacrest, you idiot --

you can't address those of us that watch your show dvr'd -- telling us to prepare for the show to run long and to schedule our recordings accordingly -- during the effing broadcast of the show. do you know why, twinkleberry? because we won't see that warning until we are watching the show after we get home from work, at 11:00, when it's too late to adjust our effing recording accordingly.

love,

smm

[update: Dear Ryan Seacrest, you smart and handsome man --

Upon reflection, I've realized that you, in your infinite wisdom, were probably giving us a warning for tomorrow night's show, in which case, your warning during tonight's telecast was not only warranted, but also very kind. Thank you kind sir.

love,

smm]

lost question

2009-05-14T01:39:00.002-04:00

wouldn't it be funny if for season 6 of lost they just replayed the episodes from season 1?

shoppe rant

2009-05-13T22:18:00.005-04:00

there are a lot of customers at the shoppe that are ridiculous. the things they do or say give a coworker and i plenty of material for a web series we dream about writing. i've tried to refrain from talking about any of that stuff here, because, well...i try to be considerate. when a lady came in and directed her entire order and ensuing conversation to herself in the mirror over my shoulder, i refrained. when i got a call for an order and was given attitude by a lady who actually said the following sentence to me: "What kind of child would want a cake without cookies on it?!", i refrained. when a lady had me put together 8 boxes of various items, topping them each off with a hand-tied ribbon, but opted to leave no tip (not even change!), i refrained. but at this point, all i have are recaps on this blog and that just won't do.

if anyone asked me who my least favorite customer was, i would have an answer without hesitation. without fail, this person comes in 15 minutes before closing to order a cappuccino and takes his sweet time drinking it, sometimes ordering a second even after we've closed (and preventing me from breaking down the espresso machine). there are a bunch of other things he does that i won't get into, lest he somehow make it to this blog and get revenge by throwing a cappuccino in my face, but just know that seeing him immediately puts me in a bad mood.

as i was sweeping the shoppe today, trying to get ahead of my closing duties, i thought to myself "Self, I bet you anything ****** will come in today. things are going too smoothly." sure enough, he walks in. he was waiting for his girlfriend (who i have no problem with), and even though i tried to get him to order so we could get the ball rolling with this, he insisted on waiting for her. after about ten minutes, he decided that he would get his cappuccino and a few snacks while he was waiting. at this point, three other customers had come in. i was helping the first when he told me he was ready to order, so i went to him while the other two waited in line. he told me what he wanted, and i went into speed mode, so my line guys wouldn't be waiting too long.

i grab my milk pitcher, saucer and cup before pulling the shot so that this drink will be quickly made and i can move on to the awaiting people. then he tells me this: "Umm, excuse me, your fingernail touched my cup, can you give me another one?" i couldn't mask my disgust for this man any longer. my response, in my most sarcastic, disbelieving voice was this: "My fingernail? Touched your cup?" He proceeded to show me exactly how my fingernail had touched the inside of his cup, so i laughed (and not in a "you're funny" way but more in a "you're an idiot" way), put his cup back at the top of the machine, did some overexaggerating pulling down the next cup, being sure to keep my fingers and nails off all parts of the inside, and got to shot pulling. usually at this point, i swallow everything and forget about it. but this time i could not. i say to him "my hands are clean" as i'm rushing through his order, still thinking of the awaiting people.

(*Side note - whenever i have a line at the shoppe, all i can think of is when i would play Sim Tower and my people would be waiting for an elevator and they would turn pink then red with anger at the amount of time they were waiting. in my mind, if anyone is waiting, they are inevitably pink or red.)

so then he starts trying to mumble justify this. "Don't take offense" I tell him that i wasn't offended. "It's not you, it's other people. What they bring in. When you touch something, or touch the ground..." Well, okay, now i am offended that you think I would do cartwheels all over the shoppe and not wash my hands. what baffles me is that this guy thinks i'm rubbing my hands on dirt and touching cups and plates, when we are all really good about washing our hands multiple times throughout the day. he says "most people wouldn't have noticed it" as part of his justification and like...what the fuck? how is that supposed to make anything better? THEN he says "i worked in the restaurant business, i know how it is." i remained silent through all this mumbling, but what i wanted to say was "do you know how it is? do you know how ANNOYING it is when you WASTE my time like this when i've got a line of RED PEOPLE?!" how is that a justification?!? how is "i worked in the restaurant business, i know how it is" a justification for asking for a new cup because my FINGERNAIL GRAZED the inside of his cup?! ARGH!!

while i was helping the red people, his girlfriend came in. after everything quieted down, i started feeling bad for kind of showing that i was a little miffed. so i overcompensated by being super nice. then i felt even worse when they actually left before closing (for once) and the girlfriend acknowledged that they usually stay late, so they were going to cut it short this time so i could get to closing. this is why i could never be a full time asshole, i'd feel bad about it most of the time.

SRC: ANTM12 - Celia later!

2009-05-13T12:07:00.003-04:00

Previously: Fo was short for Felicia, but too short for modeling.

the top four meet paulina for samba lessons. doing her ~~best~~ nigel impersonation, paulina tells the girls to be aware of their face while dancing and look at her as though she were nigel/the camera. celia starts off by i think trying to seduce paulina. we do know she thinks of sex while modeling. paulina then insults celia, calling her desperate. aminat does well. allison is as bad as she promised. teyona is also not great.

the girls meet paulina on the rooftop. they will dance -- whoever fakes it the best gets to pick a friend to share jewelry with. it looks like it'll be between aminat and celia. celia pulls a surprise win and chooses her cracker-in-crime to share her precious jewels with. paulina is shocked at this decision and aminat projects, saying that paulina thought the prize should've been shared with the runner up, who happens to be aminat. i'm sure, aminat, that if you would've won and celia was the runner up, you would've shared with her and not teyona. shut up. aminat interviews that she's always second runner up...but wouldn't that mean third place? let's hope.

omygod. stupid skit STARRING tyra. why can't she just tell the girls she's their photographer. why does there have to be a whole scene about it?!? photo shoot - the girls are birds. allison is a "birdie owl slash pterodactyl". aminat kinda looks like jocelyn wildenstein. celia seems to do well. teyona does well despite some things working against her. tyra is still annoying.

panel. argh! shoket!! sneak attack. allison's picture is praised (though i still think she always makes the same face.) teyona also turns out a good picture, though it's not her best. celia's picture is pretty good, though her face is the weakest part of it. aminat's picture is also liked. did tyra make them all say good things about her pictures? it always seems like when she's the photographer, all the pictures get high praise.

best pic goes to allison. teyona is runner up. perma bottom two-ers aminat and celia are this week's bottom 2. aminat still doesn't know how to use what she got (and i think by this point isn't going to figure it out. CUT HER LOOSE!) celia is still old. so, who's the last in the final three, aka the second runner up? aminat stays but i think tyra is kidding herself at this point. yeah, celia's not getting any younger, but aminat keeps getting the same damn critique. celia makes a gracious exit, and as she leaves i'd like to apologize for calling her the fugliest of the fugs at the beginning of the season. i'm not taking it back, because she was busted...but the haircut works for her and she has great style, so i no longer believe that she is a fug.

baby fever

2009-05-07T23:42:00.003-04:00

has anyone else noticed how pregnant women are everywhere right now?! i don't know if it's because i work in a cookie shoppe, or because of the boom in teen pregnancy pacts or what, but everywhere i look, there's a large belly with a smaller belly button bump staring me down. and don't even mention my biological clock because i was on the train today and some baby started crying and it was one of the worst sounds that has ever met my ears. it made me reconsider procreation. then i spent the rest of the train ride in a brain rant about how babies are so selfish, coming out of the womb only knowing how to cry...and using that skill to get whatever they want, whenever they want. ugh. babies.

SRC: ANTM12 - Fo long!

2009-05-06T15:49:00.003-04:00

Previously: Natalie got too bitch for her britches

Go sees! Same rules apply. Four hours, up to five designers, be on time, don't embarrass tyra. Everyone sets off to see the brazilian designers, and it basically comes down to this: Celia is old. Allison can't walk. Fo is short. Teyona and Aminat both seem well liked for their runway abilities.

teyona has three go sees and makes it to a fourth with twenty minutes remaining. Celia is already there, so Teyona wisely decides to head back. She is the first there with ten minutes to spare. Fo stupidly decides to see all five designers and ends up with only 7 minutes to make a 15 minute trip (this will sting even more later, when she finds out she booked 0 of the 5). Aminat makes it on time, as does allison (with a minute to spare.) Celia arrives at 3:31, followed several minutes later by Fo. the girls all head to a helicopter on the roof to meet some guy, but since celia and fo were late, they must watch their competitors lift off as they get blown off the roof by the wind force and into a cab. if i were on this helicopter with aminat, she would get tossed out in a second. she is SCREAMING into those headsets everyone on board has to wear. if the scream is this loud and annoying through my tv, imagine if it were funneled directly into my earhole via large headphones. winner gets a piece from each of the designers, and that prize goes to.....Teyona! hooray! the girls are all jealous nellies as teyona greedily bathes in her prize.

photo shoot on the beach with nigel as the photographer (again). aminat looks smokin'. fo falters. allison turns it out. jay throws out some vaguely technical terms. teyona gets all sand rolly. nigel says he likey. celia stumbles and nigel jumps his sexy self in and shows her how to Model. fo should refrain from using words like 'wee'.

celia's picture isn't great, but teyona's is. aminat is told she has a slammin' body and needs to use it better, like tyra's archnemesis naomi campbell. fo's picture is forrible. and she kind of looks like a monchichi. allison gets high praise from nigel and the other judges.

best picture goes to teyona, winning me points all around. allison is called second. aminat is third and we're down to oldy and shorty. imagine how it makes me feel when oldy is 25 and shorty is 5'8. basically they both need to be confident enough to make everyone forget about those "negative" things. but only one gets one more chance, and that's celia. fo forry, felicia!

SRC: RoLB - all hail the prom queen

2009-04-30T01:16:00.001-04:00

bret takes mindy and taya to the dominican republic. mindy is all "crazy crazy crazy". taya is all "boring boring crazy fake fake". mindy and bret learn to tango and then tango behind closed doors (ifyaknowwhatimean). taya and bret go ziplining but she's too much of a "lady" to stay the night with him. there are flashbacks from the whole season and damn this season has taken forever. bret makes the girls each choose an engagement ring. and then he chooses taya. but he decides not to give her the ring just yet. because i mean...taya? really?

SRC: ANTM12 - more like NOTalie

2009-04-29T21:04:00.004-04:00

oops...did it again with the lateness. sorries.

previously: London was fat. the final six are off to brazil!!

some tall brazilian supermodel named fernanda welcomes the girls to Sao Paulo. turns out she hosts brazil's next top model. i wonder if tyra only takes girls abroad to countries that have a version of top model. because it IS in over 100 countries. according to tyra.

the girls compete in their own version of the amazing race. natalie and fo win but fernanda has beaten them there! mystical. they meet the girl from ipanema as she comes out dancing to her tune. she gives them the keys to their new abode. natalie and fo win flip flops as a prize. natalie is all sour and unimpressed about brazil.

the girls are taken to a capoeira demonstration. woah, i totally spelled that right! i'm awesome. should've been in my high school capoeira club. the girls are taught some moves and celia accidentally kicks aminat in the face. the girls change into capoeira uniforms and have a photo shoot challenge. winner gets 50% more frames, taking them from the girl of her choice. she of course just couldn't get extra frames because we're in a recession, so those frames have to come from somewhere. fo wins! she takes her frames from teyona, because she's still holding a grudge from when teyona shared her prize with her model celia instead of fo. teyona confronts fo and they exchange words.

photo shoot. the girls will be dressed like carmen miranda. aminat and teyona talk about how they don't like fo anymore. ah, young drama. alright, i've defended natalie in the past, but she really is kind of an insufferable stuck up bitch. fo takes the carmen miranda thing a bit too literally.

i can't stop saying this, especially after that panel intro, but i cannot stand tyra. natalie throws mr. jay under the bus when she gets negative commentary. questionable. the judges praise allison's picture, but to me it looks like the same face she always gives. paulina either got way too much sun, is wearing way too much bronzer, or a mix of both.

allison is called first. runner up is teyona. then fo and celia and my team is safe. we're down to aminat and natalie. aminat still can't put it all together and natalie is actually kind of boring. aminat looks really pretty. maybe that's what saved her. natalie is out.

SRC: RoLB - zzzzzzzzzzzz

2009-04-26T19:05:00.004-04:00

ohmygod rock of love ended WEEKS ago and i just can't get through this. bret chose the LAMEST top three in the history of all reality shows which translates to boring recaps. so let's just breeze through this, shall we?

previously: bret booted the last interesting ~~trainwreck~~ person he had and we're stuck with a top three of jamie, taya and mindy. when mindy is your best option...you have a problem.

this winning trio ditch the pink bus and head to miami. bret gifts skimpy carnival outfits and mindy throws a fit about it for the entire night. bret is sporting his vacation weave braids. mindy eventually gets over the outfit fiasco by mounting bret and making out with him. this upsets taya.

taya and mindy's friendship continues to implode. meanwhile, how the hell did jamie slip into the top 3?

there are various dates with various combinations of duos. at one point, on a swamp boat gator date (!), jamie gets all question question about bret's intentions. she says she is looking to date, not get married after the show. he says he's looking for love. yeah, right. says the man forcing both of his swamp boat gator dates to make out with him one after the other.

there's an awkward dinner with all four. everyone's sowah. bret leads them all to the bar and scolds them for being downers. he takes jamie aside. she again says she wants to date, but not marry right away. bret, i think misunderstands her and thinks she's saying she just wants to party, while she's just saying she doesn't want a ring at the end of the show. he can't understand/believe that everybody in the world doesn't want to marry him.

eliminations. bret thinks jamie's just there to party, he wants to wrap his gut around taya, and mindy is a psychopath. first pass to mindy. jamie is called down...only to be rejected! taya is in the top 2 with mindy. all together now! LAME!

SRC: ANTM12 - bigger than ben

2009-04-22T20:35:00.003-04:00

d'oh! i wrote this a full week ago but forgot to type it up. sorry!!

previously: everyone sucked in the commercials, but tahlia was the best at sucking, so she was sent packing.

celia finally brings up london's street preaching. i'm really surprised they didn't wear that shit out from the beginning. they probably knew she'd be around for a while and it would grow tiresome. based on the first five minutes of the show, i'm guessing aminat and london will be our bottoms. and based on the amount of jesus praising the editors are now choosing to show us, i bet london is going home.

argh! fucking shoket!! the challenge -- each girl will be the creative director for a shoot. winner gets something. i tune out whenever shoket is on screen. london's weight comes up again. she's apparently gained 10 - 15 lbs since week one. aminat sabotages herself because she got natalie as her model. aminat had some potential, but i'm soo over her. teyona surprises jay by actually being good.

the winner is the girl who came up with the strongest creative vision. ugh. shoket tries to make a sexy winky face and it's so wrong. all wrong. ugh. teyona wins and gets to appear in a seventeen magazine with two friends. she picks celia and aminat. fo is jealous she wasn't chosen. fo-sen.

seventeen shoot: sorry, because i'm starting to actually like her, but celia looks like a 30 year old trying to be 16 here. like the mom in mean girls.

jay shows up at the house at 5:30am. they get hair and makeup done there and then, randomly (but still not quite as random as clay aiken) ciara shows up. she'll be posing as herself in the photo shoot while the girls portray her best stalker whilst wrapped up in a mic cord. aminat is practically drooling on ciara. woah, and these bitches are practically nekkid.

what -- i don't understand where this weight is that london has gained? apparently it's really obvious to everyone. (Update: ok so now that i've seen side by sides, i get it. but i don't think it's something i would've noticed had it not been talked about so much) teyona does really well. aminat struggles...jay calls her the worst of the day.

london is doing a lot of God Talking. has this just been edited out previously? methinks, yes.

these tyra documentaries are getting dumber and dumber and more and more random. a naked guy comes out. there's a stupid skit. blah, blah, they're going to brazil. only six of the seven, that is. aminat and london get the worst criticism, with teyona excelling. allison starts to say that this was her favorite shoot, but then nigel's ego gets bruised and tyra threatens to give her the boot for that "slip up". the whole thing is rather disgusting.

seven beauties, six of which are brazil bound. teyona is called first. second is fo. they are followed by natalie, celia, and allison. this leaves aminat and london. (ding!) luckily, i just traded out aminat from my team. unluckily, i traded her for london. aminat has all the elements but can't make it work for pictures. london has gained weight. so who goes to brazil? aminat. no room for fatties.

picture it: hello kitty

2009-04-22T14:29:00.004-04:00

i just went out in the rain to get my lunch, and as i was walking to my chosen eatery, i passed Hello Kitty. i mean, of course, a person in a Hello Kitty costume. i'm not too sure what she was promoting -- she was standing outside of one of those general electronic stores times square has plenty of -- but she was vigilantly standing out in the rain (with a little cover from an awning) bouncing around and waving. things were different on my return trip.

i headed back to the building with my sack of food in hand approximately 7 minutes later, excited to pass by this random Hello Kitty again. no longer was she bouncing around and enthusiastically waving, but rather she was slowly, depressingly swaying, holding her paw up. no wave, just a salute. if it took that short amount of time for her to get all depressed about the rain, i hope that a) her shift had just started and b) its only a half hour shift.

SRC: RoLB - and then there were three. lameoids.

2009-04-17T11:52:00.003-04:00

taya talks too much. mindy starts to crack wondering if this is all a joke and if she'll actually get hurt now that she's starting to fall. i thought she was starting to fall weeks ago. then, through the tears she says "i have never even been ENGAGED!!!" is that something we all should've done by now?

big john gives the lameoids their clue -- which tells the girls to write a song to record with bret. winner gets to jet off somewhere. jet blue probs. coach. mindy stresses some more because songwriting eludes her and singing, apparently, is literally impossible for her.

beverly is up first and i think bret is pretending to play guitar along with them and the backing track. beverly has a decent voice. jamie is next and...at least has fun. taya, surprisingly -- or not considering the accusations of her being there for self promotion -- had the best voice out of all of them. mindy agrees with me on both counts. mindy practices her song with bret first and acts like a whiny baby. she then does her performance and she wasn't kidding about not being able to sing. she does a twangy talky sing song performance, then laughs and sabotages herself by saying she got lost.

mindy starts trubbies by implying that taya's penthouse promotion was a red herring of sorts, with her real goal to promote a music career. taya wins and there is dead silence and eye rolling when bret announces it. he chooses a second place winner to also go on the "jet". it's the ol' ringback tone trick to determine the winner/promote his single. beverly wins.

taya and mindy's BFFness is starting to crumble.

jamie gets the brilliant idea to pose with mindy for slutty photos for bret. "not slutty, but classy slutty" as jamie describes. too bad that brilliant idea was already had in season 1.

taya further annoys everyone and me with her nonstop nonsense yapping. bret pulls mindy aside to talk some stuff out. jamie interrupts because she barely gets bret time. mindy is pissed.

first pass goes to taya, obvs. i don't think bret realizes what he's getting with that one. jamie is next. it's between mindy and beverly. but beverly was the one who tackily asked bret to sign some teddy bears for her daughters. mindy is saved, but only after she swears to bret that her heart is in it.

god, what an awful top three.

what are they feeding you

2009-04-14T12:05:00.004-04:00

wow it's been a while since i posted anything that wasn't a recap, huh? i'll throw you this bone --

today as i was returning home from a work fakeout (don't get me started, i might start breaking things), i easily found a seat on the subway. since it was midday, there weren't too many train riders, so a girl that was sitting on the two seater perpendicular to my seat stretched out with her legs up. it should be noted that she was wearing pajamas. pajama pants, a coat, and house slippers. and because her feet were raised on the seat, THAT'S ALL I COULD SMELL. and it wasn't just foot smell, it was nasty, gaggy foot smell. how was she not aware of it? or maybe she was and she wanted everyone to suffer with her.

SRC: ANTM12 - your issue is up

2009-04-11T13:16:00.004-04:00

Previously: Aminat lost me (and her position on my team) by acting like a total asshole. Sandra finally proved that she was utterly useless and was sent home.

aminat continues to act like an asshole to natalie. and from what we're being shown, it looks undeserved. paulina meets the girls for this cycle's acting teach. as usual, most of the girls blow, but also as usual, tahlia blows the hardest. then paulina pulls out clay aiken, who apparently is a close friend of tyra's, to ACT with the girls. this is who you got for you acting teach? in all of new york? because he was in spamalot? furrealz? the girls scream like, yeah that would happen. this isn't america's next top mom.

omygod you guys. Tahlia is TERRIBLE!!! i hope she's at least good at volleyball. winner of the challenge gets $5,000 worth of joe's jeans merchandise. and that goes to london. she acts excited about it and i'm convinced. apparently, though, london has gained weight and cannot fit into her prize.

mckey is there hawking covergirl foundation and to signal that it's CG commercial time!! time to separate the bad from the worse. teyona, aminat, celia, and allison are in one group, with fo, natalie, tahlia, and london in the second. aminat, allison, and tahlia do badly. london, head inflated with the earlier win, overacts. tahlia looks like her group's mom. do you think tahlia will want to go home since she's doing badly this week? she may not have a choice. spoiler alert.

damn, she can't even convincingly read tyra mail.

panel: clay aiken is the guest judge and tyra talks about how much his first album sold. what does that have to do with anything?

allison gets picked on for wearing the same dress she wore in week 1. then they tell her to switch clothes with teyona during the deliberations. then they pick on her bad commercial. poor thang. aminat gets teased for talking like she does. london gets it for being "hard", then her shorts are banished. natalie is told to work on her flirtiness. fo gets made fun of for maybe having a speech impediment. tahlia gets called old. like i said. tyra tells tahlia she looks most like a covergirl out of everyone. i beg to differ.

models in action. heather! she's working and becoming a videogame designer. double awesome. that is one thing i would've liked to discuss had i recapped last week's episode. how can they highlight whitney in the models in action segment? she won. shouldn't that be... oh nevermind. just nevermind.

tyra brags about how she did not once use a teleprompter in her five covergirl years. yeah, cuz they weren't invented yet. burn! speaking of burn, let's go to elimination.. for those of you kept in suspense, allison and teyona did actually switch clothing. celia is called first. next is natalie, and then teyona, fo, london, and aminat. this leaves allison and tahlia. let's hope tahlia is out. am i right?! allison isn't versatile, tahlia sucks. so.....sweet! allison stays. see ya tahlia!

SRC: ANTM12 - taking a pass

2009-04-08T12:38:00.003-04:00

so i think i'm gonna skip last week's top model recap. in the interest of staying up to date with this show, since it's my #1 recap priority, and not falling three weeks behind like rock of love bus, i think it's the best thing to do. i watched this episode with the same friend and on the same night i watched that last rock of love episode, and i actually remembered to save the ep for later recapping. but since i'm currently enjoying my first day off after a 26 day work streak, my dvr list has piled high. instead of rewatching the ep to recap it, i'm just going to cut my losses, and refer you again to rich at four four and potes at twop.

my apologies. one day i will be back to my routine. though i'm starting to feel like my routine is actually being behind. what would i do with my life if i weren't busy catching up all the time? maybe we'll never know.

SRC: ROLB - and down goes the blondtourage

2009-04-05T21:15:00.003-04:00

so i accidentally erased this episode after watching it with a friend, forgetting that i still needed to take notes on it. woopsiedoodles. it's a shame too, because it really was an awesome episode. bret again brought the exes back to spill secrets. taya's ex "jaz" was literally a crazy man..who probably enjoys hitting women. ashley's ex burst out with the one thing that's made ashley visibly nervous and freaked out --- the truth bitches! apparently he's her baby daddy and they live together and eff all the time! brittanya's ex was a booty call that got her so riled up in her interrogation with heather and ambre (!) that she took a swipe at the former and spit on the latter. mindy's ex kind of showed that mindy is maybe a cool person and should save herself from bret's clutches, since she is kind of a frontrunner now. jamie -- you know i can't even remember much of what happened with jamie except that she wore a shimmery gold scarf on her head the entire episode. and beverly flipped out way more than necessary about the fact that her ex didn't have enough respect for her to show up to be interrogated. or maybe he just didn't want it all to go down on a trashy vh1 show. she seriously brought this up about 12 times, always drunk and crying about it. i don't believe she did anything besides that in the episode. anyway, bret was pissed that brittanya treated his friends heather and ambre like shit, so he dumped her. and because of the fishy situation with ashley's "ex", bret lost all faith in her and left her ass too. which really shocked me. but she also was acting completely different with bff farrah gone. oh, and also hilariously, during heather and ambre's interrogation, heather was super wasted. and she still blocked brittanya's first punch. awesome. also notable, there are only brunettes left. surprise surprise.

anywho, i suggest y'all head to rich at vh1 or potes subber sara m at twop (who unfortunately is not me) for some good recaps on the actual episode, since i was silly and erased the it.

SRC: ANTM12 - old man in an eliminated body

2009-03-30T01:37:00.003-04:00

Previously: Nijah? Who's Nijah?

Toccara shows up possibly drunk. she brings pjs to the girls to have a sleepover and talk about personality. i don't think toccara is too much of a plus anymore. she brings up sandra's winning picture (which has already ballooned sandra's ego) and some of the girls say they think Fo should have gotten best picture.

the girls go to marquee and ugh, benny ninja. sky neller the dj model comes out to assist benny with teaching the girls to pose to music by playing some songs for them on the runway. or as she says, "drop some tracks." london, celia, and aminat did well, while the rest not so much. uh...so the girls go home and allison tells celia that she hated the challenge because she's shy. she was scared to pose in front of benny and she hates being in the spotlight. i mean...does she know what this is?

challenge time. the girls must use the music in order to inform how they model the clothes of the Blonds. I don't know these Blonds, but phillipe is one interesting person. the bitches get blonded up and again allison says she's scared of posing in front of people. again, i say 'whaa?' also again, most of the girls do badly. celia and teyona do well in their heat, but celia takes it. the second heat has natalie and fo doing well, with natalie (of course) taking it. natalie stumbles in the final round and celia takes the challenge, even getting some finger wagging from the queens in the audience.

the girls go into hair and makeup without knowing what they're shooting. tahlia repeats her desire to go home, this time in front of sutan and christian. in honor of the statue of liberty, the girls will get shot ol' timey style with an old fashioned box camera that you have to hold a pose still for an extended period of time. i think they're actually just using a digital camera and pretending with the box camera to make the girls hold their poses. in other unbelievable news, benny will be playing the role of the husband. there is also a united colors of benetton ad playing their children.

the girls discuss their irritation with tahlia's behavior. when she's doing poorly she wants to quit, when she does well she's excited to stay. they might mob up and attack her with torches if someone else who actually wants to be there full time goes home.

teyona does well with the photo shoot. sandra, london, fo, kortnie, and celia all disappointed. allison, aminat, natalie, and tahlia all get good marks, with tahlia seemingly gettng the most praise. i bet the other girls are pissed. i wonder what will happen.

a decision has been reached. tahlia is called first. next is teyona, then allison, natalie, london, aminat, celia and fo. this leaves kortnie and sandra. they're both clueless and neither is going to win, so who goes first? kortnie does. you can hear the disappointment.

but...ah, shit. celia comes through on her word and speaks up to tyra about tahlia's behavior. she throws that bitch under the bus, like fucking hurls her, but you don't mess with tyra's Issue Girl, so Tyra puts celia in her place. awkward. like, soooo awkward.

Fun with Signs

2009-03-27T08:31:00.003-04:00

a few days ago, there was a sign in the elevator of the building i was working in. it said:

SPACE
AVAILABLE
FOR WEB
DESIGNER
CALL
212-555-4878*

(*obviously not the real number) later that day when i went out to lunch, someone had written in a few of their own additions, leaving the sign to read:

NO SPACE
AVAILABLE
FOR WEB
DESIGNER
DON'T CALL
212-555-487*

(*they had also ripped off the last digit of the phone number.) when i was on my way home, i noticed that someone else had scratched out the added in words and wrote the 8 back in at the end of the phone number.

the next day, there was a brand new copy of the same sign. at lunch, the last digit again had been ripped off. when i went home, it was written in again. the next day, the sign was completely gone. i wonder if the person who was posting the sign gave up, or if the person who was vandalizing the sign won. they both seemed stubborn enough to keep that back and forth going for days.

do you think hannah's involved? who's hannah? a new sign the next day by the elevator in the lobby:

Here for Hannah's tupperware party on the 3rd floor? do the environment a favor and walk up the stairs.
thanks bunches,
"Hannah Banana"
[picture of a wheelbarrow]

i can find four things wrong with that sign. anyone else?

SRC: RoLBus - Oh, piss

2009-03-24T20:06:00.002-04:00

Previously: Kelsey suddenly was awesome but was then eliminated.

the girls head to panama city. florida. it's time to consolidate, so everyone is herded to the pink bus. both the blondes and the brunettes are offended at this. mindy says goodbye to the brunette's safe haven and the blue bus says bye to mindy. really. it talks and flashes its headlights. big john brings the girls bikinis and they attack him like a pack of lions on a helpless zebra. the girls meet bret at a kiddie pool. he tells them he's giving some army ladies a day off while the girls take care of their kids. we learn that brittanya has a kid. lord help that child. isn't it weird that a total dumbhead slut like brittanya can have a child but perfectly well adjusted gay couples can't in some states. we learn that actually most of these skanks have at least one kid. but what's actually surprising is that ashley is great with kids and seems like she's probably a good mom. the children vote and it's between ashley and taya. bret ultimately makes the final decision and ashley wins the big solo date. her first, which is another surprise.

beverly downs a lot of vodka and then the whole group goes out to a bar. beverly gets kind of passive aggressive with bret. he tells her she has anger issues. bret then wonders if farrah is just there to party and make out with ashley. they head back on the bus where bret is all handsy and mouthsy with everyone and beverly sits furious in a corner. they all go to a beach bonfire, leaving bev on the bus. mindy and taya are disgusted by bret making out with brittanya and ashley at the same time. they go to the bathroom and then the hot tub. topless. beverly eventually joins the party, gets disgusted with bret, yells some shit and leaves again. ashley, brittanya, and farrah run to pee, and thus bret is left alone with jamie. they of course make out. isn't anybody worried about the herp?

mindy and taya shower together and gossip about someone. farrah assumes its her, pulls the shower curtain on them, and then bitches them out. then ashley pours salsa in mindy's suitcase (over the line and so uncalled for). then brittanya joins them in pouring shampoo/mousse/other bathroom products on them. mindy and taya get their own new hotel room for their troubles.

ashley meets up with bret, who says she looks "all kind of awesome." hmm. they go ATVing (RIP leroi moore) through the dunes to a lunch table. he talks about some people being there for the wrong reasons and ashley knows he's totally talking about farrah and is upset about it. look at that, a true friendship.

bret has a couple one on ones whilst at the hotel gym, pretending to lift weights. farrah and beverly both have a chat with him as he tries to suss out their intentions.

eliminations. ashley, of course, gets the first pass because she's totally winning this. jamie is called second for that beach makeout session. mindy is third, followed by brittanya and beverly. this leaves farrah and taya. he is dubious of both of their intentions and commitment to him, wondering if they are just there for the party and the air time, respectively. in the end, he calls farrah down and dumps her ass. sad for ashley.

WRC: ANTM12 - the pretty curse

2009-03-20T21:06:00.003-04:00

previously: jessica thought she was the prettiest girl in all the land, so tyra sent her home. also, makeovers and sweet sweet nigel as photographer.

uh oh. nijah is talking about how she does have a personality and she's not boring or dead inside. i bet this is the week the girl with no personality goes home and i bet that girl is nijah.

natalie the perfect pro offers some runway advice before the girls get real runway lessons from miss jay. ugh. why does everything have to be a skit with these people. ok, y'all listen. tahlia is not that cute. she has an awkward walk and is in that dreaded in between model and plus zone with her size. what this means is that she is just your average girl with no reason to be here. the burns are not a reason to be there. the burns are just the way she got there. bianca (!) and chantal come out. let's hope for some sort of catfight! oh, all they do is show the girls how two models walk past each other, and then they peace. hum. pointless.

teyona gets her hair fixed. it looks better and she's a great sport about the whole thing. team teyona!!!

the girls go to their runway challenge -- a jill stuart fashion show. i guess i'm starting to get celia a little...i mean, the hair works. she's still.....mergh. some do well, some don't. the challenge comes down to natalie and celia and perfect natalie with a modeling past wins. free clothes! ugh, tahlia shut. up. she has said "i'm not myself" like 12 times in the past 5 minutes.

photo shot: famous areas around manhattan. like queens? jersey? staten island? i wish they did a shoot like that. they also must tell a story with their characters. mikey rosenthal is back to shoot them.

aminat and fo are wall street brokers. they look great and seem to do well.

down to soho with nijah and kortnie as artists. nijah falters but kortnie eventually helps her get into character.

celia and sandra are (upper east side i'm guessing) nannies.

london and allison are upper east side snobs. jenny humphrey and chuck bass. london doesn't look like chuck bass at the shoot, but she certainly will at panel. london excels and allison doesn't.

tahlia goes to times square to be a tourist with natalie and teyona. here's another reason to dislike tahlia-- she now hates natalie because, when given a truth or dare question about whose pic besides jessica was the worst last week, natalie told the damn truth and said tahlia. that's not bitchiness tahlia, that's honesty. surprisingly though, tahlia does well this week, even better than perfect natalie.

panel: tyra's short film project continues. knowning her she'll probably put them all together at the end of the season and submit it for a documentary short oscar. then she will lobby to have the oscars renamed the tyras. tyra does her intro and finishes it with this: "Hopefully, this judging is as festive as my colorful shirt!" she is like a child. kortnie and nijah both get bad marks, though nijah gets the worst of it. fo and aminat effin rocked it. that's my team! celia and sandra also get high marks even though they don't really come across as nannies. sandra gets the better comments. the times square group have a fun picture, with natalie called out as the weakest. london and allison could've done better, though london was superior to allison. tyra's reached a "deciszhum".

sandra is called first (!) followed by aminat, tahlia, fo, celia, kortnie, london, teyona, and natalie. this leaves nijah and allison. what did i say at the beginning? allison lacked something special in her photo, nijah has gone downhill from week 1. allison's eyes are too big for tyra to let go just yet, though, and down goes nijah...yet another victim of just another pretty girl syndrome.

Happy St. Patty's Day '09sies!!

2009-03-17T21:31:00.000-04:00

In what seems to be turning into a annual irishy tradition (aka i'm making it one), I will link my pinching tale/survey in case any new people want to weigh in:

Pinch me, it can't be true!

so go ahead and read that and then come back, because i've got more.

...

ok. so now that you know about my fear of getting pinched, and my need to wear green on this most drunken of holidays, let me continue. usually i'll just wear something green to get in the spirit, but as i was looking through my (3) options, i was reminded of a fairly new addition to my tshirt army: a green shirt with that carebear with the clover on his belly on it and the word "Lucky" under him. i guess his name is lucky bear. so i immediately reached for that and then immediately recoiled. would that be going too far? getting too into the spirit? after all, i did just start a new job yesterday and there are only five other people in the office i'm working in. is that the kind of impression i wanted to make? i looked at the other two green shirts i have but then just decided "eff it and go all the way." so yeah, i nerded it up this year with a green tshirt with a clover on it. i was self conscious about it, but i did it anyway. when i walked into the office, only one other person was wearing green, and it was a rather classy green dress that faded into white. as a matter of fact, in the union square area (where the office is) i barely saw any green that didn't just happen to be the color of the article of clothing. i mean, i'm sure it was worn for the occasion, but it was more like clothes that were green instead of st. patrick's day clothes. i shrugged it off because honestly, it didn't matter. i wasn't getting pinched and i didn't look like a fool. then, i was sent on a run to the viacom building...which we all know is in times square.

if manhattan were gosford park, then the union square area (just in this example) would be the upstairs, while times square would be like, the less classier servants quarters. i walked out of the subway and it was definitely st. patrick's day there. there were giant green hats and clover glasses/scarves/ties/etc everywhere. people were not just wearing green, but they were wearing the green st. patrick's version of the i <3 ny shirt (i clover ny), jackets that proudly proclaimed "IRISH" and there was even a guy with a green bowler hat and a box of lucky charms around his neck. it immediately made me feel better about the degree in which i participated in the holiday as well as how much better working further downtown is.

did anyone else have any fun/crazy st. patty's day experiences?

here's a good idea

2009-03-17T20:54:00.003-04:00

i had just gotten home from the gym, still listening to my wee shuffle, when Orgy's remake of Blue Monday came on. Like many things in my past that i have no explanation for, my love for the album Candyass still lingers a little (even though I really only could tell you with certainty two of the songs on it). i was still listening to the song as i sat down to check my google reader, and i remembered that there was something intriguing to my 16 year old self about the lead singer. so i did what any curious girl with a fuzzy memory would do -- google image search. but here's a good idea: probably don't just google image search the word 'orgy'.

chipotle buddies

2009-03-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

i went to chipotle for lunch today and it was the smallest chipotle i'd ever been in. there were only four tables to sit at, and since i was in the middle of a work errand, i couldn't take my lunch to go. so, i hung out at this skinny bar (no seats) eating my taco until a table opened up. when one did, i jumped at it. it was a foursie, like the other three tables, so i tried to keep my stuff close to me in case anybody else needed a seat.

as i was staring out the window and listening to my ipod, a lady approached me and asked if it would be possible for "us" to sit down. i assumed she was a part of a couple as i was like 'yeah, no problem' but then she followed her question with "there's three of us."

so now i'm sitting at this table like these people are my friends. one of the guys asks how i'm doing, and the following thought goes through my head:

"please don't talk to me"

so i answer "great" with a heavy dose of sarcasm (40% unintentional). the woman responds "we're glad to hear that." i don't know if she picked up my sarcasm, but then i started feeling bad. the lady starts making jokes, and at first i offer a polite giggle, but then i realize that i'm not with them. herein lies the dilemma-- i don't want to have a conversation with these people, but i'm surrounded by them. where do i focus my attention? intently staring out the window felt super awkward, but i wasn't going to gaze into the ladies eyes or continue eavesdropping on their convo. i also had my headphones in, so that added another element of confusion to the matter.

let me tell you something else. of all the places to want to be eating alone because of the sloppy mess you'll inevitably become, chipotle is high up on the list. i've got guacamole and sour cream everywhere. i'm trying to eat quickly so i can get out of there, but not too quickly because it's so delicious i want it to last forever. i eventually finished the tacos, and instead of spooning the remainder of the guacamole in my mouth, i picked up my basket, wished them a good lunch, and hightailed it outta there.

WRC: ROLB - pole arteests

2009-03-15T23:54:00.004-04:00

Previously: Jenny - we hardly knew ya

taya makes a big announcement about how she's the Pet of the Year. I thought we already knew this? No, really, she's saying she just found out, but she already told Bret this.

the bitches arrive at truck stop games. there will be three teams of three. there will be trucker judges. there is promise of an awesome date as a prize. the girls suit up. or down, rather. one team member must bellyflop into a vat of bret's brew, the clearest beer 'round here. the second game involves a stripper pole. everyone clamors to be their team representative for this challenge, comparing dancing and pole experience. and woah, talk about not what you expected. first off, brittanya is elected as the green team rep because she is a go-go dancer...but she apparently doesn't go-go anywhere near a pole because she sucks. she can't do a thing. does this girl have any positives? then megan mullaly-ish kami is all 'let me let me' (over Ashley) and if you would've asked me if kami could outpole ashley, i would've laughed in your face. but what we all didn't know is that kami has 10 years stripping experience (sad) and possesses the magical ability to float around the pole with ease. who knew? and then taya gets up there and like...with the legs. i mean, maybe it's because i've never been to a strip club, but did you all know they did this?

the third game is a hot dog relay. even though the blue team did better in this game, farrah showed her boobs and kissed a trucker, so the yellow team was declared the weiners. (see what i did there?)

bret meets with the girls to show him he's a fair guy and knows the judges were swayed by farrah's assets, so he will also spend some time on his bus with the blue team, aka the true winners (ashley, beverly, kami). they talk about jealousy. then he sings to thme. ugh. FF. woah. OMG. so bret and ashley start making out, then all four go back to his room, then apparently ashley just immediately dropped trou. hmm, we didn't get any more details aside from kami being uncomfortable and pissed about the whole situation. she approaches bret and tells him she wants to leave. bret's all "can't hate the playah!" so, two of the three newbies are out. the other winning team heads to an amusement park. they are amused.

so, they all go to bret's show. (AGAIN) farrah and kelsey start the night wasted. big john asks them to be on their best behavior. farrah and kelsey hump each other in the VIP section with all the impressionable young fans watching. then they make out and destroy the VIP area (with ashley's help). big john gets angry and scolds farrah and kelsey by sternly reminding them he asked them not to be slutty. then he grounds them to their bus. kelsey gets PISSED, flips out, flees the bus, and lies on a speed bump, crying in the middle of the parking lot. she says she wants to go home and doesn't want bret. she tries to reject big john's attempts at a conversation. he acts like a therapist and tells her she has a chance. he convinces her to stay. maybe he has found a new calling.

six of the girls are presentable at elimination. 'presentable' being used loosely. the other three are super wasted and can barely stand. wasted ashley is hilarious. i might actually love ashley. but not in a way where i'd ever want to hang out with her. bret calls kelsey down first and she laughingly stumbles toward him. he gives her the whole "this road is too tough for a broad like you" spiel and ashley and farrah drop their jaws. though i'm sure ashley was tempted to drop her panties. anyway, kelsey is dumped, everyone is shocked. and THEN! as she is sent to pack her things, ashley whispers to farrah "I don't think she has any of my clothes." awesome. ashley is awesome. what a true friend. she and farrah get a warning from bret and he sends everyone on their way.

WRC: ANTM12 - pretty isn't model

2009-03-12T14:34:00.003-04:00

Prevously: Isabella didn't perform and was sent home. and by "didn't perform" i mean "didn't have a seizure on cue during the strobe light fashion show."

ugh, the giant (pink plaid) SUV limo is back, clogging the streets of New York. there is some secret agent bullshit that i can't even get into, but basically its introducing the makeovers. for the most part, everyone is a vast improvement. celia is the cry face this season. i guess she looks better. natalie (who?) flips out when her hair is approached by scissors, and she says she can't do it. i don't know why these girls come on this show thinking they can get away with this shit. oh, because apparently they can. jay tells natalie that when she came in, tyra thought she was model from head to toe (don't see it) and therefore is not getting touched for the makeover. tahlia looks ridiculous. more ridiculous. fo gets all cry face because her hair was cut short and in her mind short hair = butch = ugly and she feels everyone else looks more beautiful than she.

the girls meet sutan and the covergirl rep for their biannual walmart challenge. but since us new yorkers survive without any walmarts, they had to recreate a walmart covergirl aisle for this challenge. they are broken into teams and have to find someone on the street who something about covergirl exact eyelights. team 1 (celia, sandra, and aminat) wins the challenge, even though sandra was a dud of a team member, and gets to participate in a walmart photoshoot.

everyone hops in the limo and heads to greenpoint for the photo shoot. the girls must light themselves while nigel shoots them. the pictures are taken in groups of four, with the central girl (the one holding the lights) being rotated.

lulliez!! there's a shot of jay giving aminat directions, and in the background, a production person is watching the exchange and not where she steps and totally trips. awesome. rewind.

a few girls stumble through the shoot. fo blames her hair. teyona, natalia, celia, and london all seem to do well.

there's another short film fairy tale and rhyme by tyra before we head to panel. this year's miss j gimmick is that his bow tie will get bigger each week until, one assumes, it's a comically large clown prop. guest judge this week is ex-judge nole marin. what's he got on tyra i wonder?

kortnie, sandra, jessica (woof! that picture!), nijah, and aminat all get negative comments. london's makeover is working for me, i think. celia also looks much better. they did give the two of them similar looks though. man, nole has missed this job. he is super catty. was he always this sassy? is he trying to get his job back? tyra hates the execution of teyona's makeover and will get it redone.

12 "beautiful" women, 11 mediocre photos. teyona is called first, followed by celia and allison. everyone else follows until we're left with fo, jessica, and aminat. 2/3 of my team! argh! aminat is safe, and it's between the blaxican and the boricua.

fo didn't properly deal with her makeover. jessica might just be a pretty girl. fo gets another chance and jessica gets sent back to be the prettiest of her crew.

WRC: ANTM12 - The Goddess Cycle pt. 2

2009-03-06T09:57:00.003-05:00

Okay, I'm back from my break. Sorry, that was longer than I meant it.

The 13 girls meet Nigel and Paulina at the top of the Empire State building to give them house keys. They scream the whole way there. I'm sure the Upper East Side loved having these girls here. So, as usual, there's one less bed than there are girls. Sandra believes she has the right to the bed because she is better than everyone, even though Celia was given her choice of bed by the power of Paulina. Sandra refuses to accept, but eventually, sandra starts fanning herself and nervously asks celia if she minds sharing the bed. woooo!

oh! isabella, who i keep remembering as kerrington from so you think you can dance, is epileptic girl. Secondary Issue Girl. And can you imagine living in fear that the girl next to you is gonna seize at any moment? i've witnessed seizures and they are uncool.

sandra is willing to share but celia is not so we all ask WWLD and what London does is pretend she was going to sleep on the floor the whole time, so it's no big deal if sandra takes her bed. then she thanks Jesus. this will get old quick.

the girls are taken to a real runway show and are told they will be in it. but HOW WILL THEY LEARN?! Ugh, Sandra...Nenna did it better. tahlia is frustrated that her burns are covered in a pantsuit while the others are in skin exposing garments. what did she expect?? she chose the shallowest industry to try to be a burn victim role model in. ruh roh! strobe lights on the runway! didn't anybody mention the EPILEPTIC GIRL?!?!

the girls show up at central park for their first photo shoot -- reenacting favorite childhood games. for some unexplained reason, jay is in a futuristic laser tag biking outfit.

PHOTO SHOOT - CHILDHOOD GAMES
FO - ring around the rosie -- cute picture, but nothin' special.
LONDON - tug of war - good picture
i thought when they said games they meant like, Candyland.
TAHLIA - tag -- blah blah burn victim blah. tyra sets her straight.
mckey looks great. and her first covergirl spot is actually not bad.
NATALIE - leap frog -- tyra likes it, paulina isn't sure
SANDRA - hide and seek -- effed up the runway show, effed up the picture
KORTNIE - monkey bars -- um...does okay, i guess?
AMINAT - london bridge -- lacks vulnerability
NIJAH - musical chairs -- good face shot (eww...)
ALLISON - double dutch -- tyra loves it
TEYONA - hopscotch -- gets really good comments
CELIA - hula hoop -- i can't get on board
ISABELLA - dodgeball -- her photos show that she struggled with the shoot...i think the constant flashes might have been a concern...
JESSICA - jacks -- tyra thinks its a pretty picture, but not representative of jacks. i would like to have seen what tyra would've done with jacks.

so this whole shoot is about tyra thinking girls are growing up too fast and there were three extras in each photo representing a different kind of bad girl who grew up too fast. i didn't think i needed to mention it, but tyra went and made a short film about the loss of her youth instead of her normal photo in the style of the week's shoot.

i like how tyra is calling all girls 5'7 and under short. i would call short 5'3 and under, 5'4 - 5'7 is average, and you know tyra will probably only take the average girls for the 'short' cycle.

paulina is too tan. and her hair is crazy. the judges have decided. tyra does her speech. allison is called first and gets to have her digital photo up for the week. fo is next, followed by teyona and everyone else until we have Sandra and Isabella. so is it Bitchface McAfrica or Epilepty McShakypants? (sorry) Isabella is beautiful but froze on set. sandra stunk both the runway and her photo shoot up. so logically, isabella gets sent home. it's for the best -- isabella shouldn't be around all the camera flashes. also, didn't i say i didn't think she'd make it? i did. go check.

picture it

2009-03-05T15:11:00.001-05:00

imagine this: you've just sat down to watch law and order: svu with your reheated pizza. as you open your mouth to take the first bite, the doc on the screen says of the special victim:

"He was beaten in the crotch so badly that his scrotum ruptured."

Sorry. I just couldn't be there alone.

WRC: ANTM12 - The Goddess Cycle pt. 1

2009-03-05T13:16:00.003-05:00

Alright, y'all. They postponed last week's premiere so we could have two hours here, so let's get down to business. i'm gonna split this in two parts because it's gonna be long. I don't remember anything about these girls except that they are mostly fug.

We start in Vegas with 34 girls "picked by Tyra". Tyra also refuses Vegas its nickname, and instead finger-waggingly calls it "Indulgent City." Ok, Celia, 25 - fug. Some girl whose name I don't remember says she has a hard time remembering names. She too is fug. Two minutes in and we already have our first "This is not America's Next ____ _____", in this case (and usually) it's Best Friend. Now that is a girl who knows her reality shows.

There are J(ay)s, there is screaming, there is one plus size girl. The 34 dress in toga dresses and pose in profile for their first shoot. For real, Celia is hid. Fo is byootiful. After the shoot, Miss Jay has the girls walk on clouds. Aka runway plus fog machine. Is that Jenny Humphrey?

Woah woah woah. Some girl actually says excitedly, "We are so close to standing in front of Tyra...and getting judged!" How can you aspire to that? She's brainwashed a whole generation. Anyway, her holy highness Tyra enters with a Spartan army, and in a weird accent says "I am...." while a lowly soldier fills in the mad libs with "the goddess of fierce." If I were that soldier, I would've risked my career in showbiz by shouting out "HUNGRY!!!!" Fo flips her shit about Tyra existing in front of her, so now I hate her. Tyra reveals her age - 2,752.7 years old. I guess she looks good for that. Guys, Celia is such an uggo.

Oh great, we've got our Issue Girl. (you remember past Issue Girls-- twins, Asperger's, genital mutilation, transexual) This year it's Tahlia. Tahlia wants to prove BURN SURVIVORS can be TOP FASHION MODELS. seriously, anything I say will make me look more asshole-ish, but you know. you get it. i mean, right? she also has no belly button.

aminat. 6'1. maybe awesome...we'll see. she's on my list for now. celia is like the worst parts of kyra sedwick, all of kirsten dunst and some chris farley. fo is short fo' felicia. she's black/mexican. she is so pretty.

aww, McKey gets to start her Life As A Covergirl. I hope they are delightfully weird.

Celia says she's feels like she's the prettiest she's ever been. I'm glad we didn't meet before this. The girls will be cut to 21. I'm not listing everyone, but pretty much those that we've already met make it through. there is crying, there is screaming, there is blubbering. thank god the conspiracy theorist didn't make it. With her low ears and terrible posture and elf face (and not lord of the rings elves either) she was worse than celia. oh yeah, celia made it.

the winning 21 pose with their gold wreaths atop their noodles as different goddesses. fo is seriously so pretty.

GUYS! oh my god. cycle 13 will be 5'7 and under!!! I should totally go for it!

ok, time to narrow it to 13. Our girls this cycle will be back in New York. Aminat is first. Approved. Next is Natalie. meh. then Fo, obvs. Allison (Jenny Humphrey), Tahlia (burn victim), Celia (fuggo), Nijah (?), London (street preacher), Teyona (country tomboy), Kortnie (plus size), Isabella (didn't pay attention to her because I didn't think she'd make it), Jessica (pretty Latina), and lastly, Sandra (African god-dess, in her own words).

the girls celebrate their impending arrival on the upper east side (!).

ok, hour one over. now onto the first real episode. Do you guys need a break? I do.

local news alert

2009-03-05T01:30:00.002-05:00

Umm, my local news just warned me to be on alert for a pack of transvestite teenagers that are targeting women. that's weird, right?

WRC: RoLB - we hardly knew ye

2009-02-28T10:54:00.003-05:00

previously: natasha was too much like a buddy to bret. a male buddy. bret banged ashley, charming her by telling her that he liked her in a hot sexy girlfriend way. three new girls were introduced to the tour, but i still haven't learned their names. except i know kami is the fuggo.

the brunettes hate the blonds. the blonds think the brunettes are fat.

one of the new girls (who wears a pancake layer of makeup to bed, apparently) starts to miss her recently deceased father and questions going on the show. better not let bret hear that. the girls head to nashville and are asked to even out their buses. brittanya, formerly of pink, deflects to the blue bus, where she should have been in the first place, obviously, with her brunette head. kami (also a brown head) changes buses as well.

Bret's Mudbowl! Yes! I hope no one pops an implant today. something hilarious is that the closest thing the pink team has to a natural blond is kelsey, who has light brown hair. but there's such brunette hatred. i guess we get to see what these bitches look like pre-peroxide when this mud gets everywhere. teams are split up by bus, and the winning team gets a group date, while the MVP (who can come from either team) gets a sleepover date. i would lose on purpose. these bitches are vicious. they kick each other's asses, of course ripping clothes off along the way. it looks like mindy might be headed to MVPville. the game goes on forever. blue bus finally wins and the MVP is between ashley and mindy. mindy gets the mini trophy and the dallas date.

there is more drama about new blond's dead dad. meanwhile, the dallas date bret took mindy on is just a bret michaels concert. man, he loves himself. they go back to the hotel. there's making out, there's leopard print lingerie, i'm thoroughly disgusted.

so, mindy comes back from her date and the girls spew hate rays at her. bret is in high spirits until Something Happens. He gets a letter saying a buddy was killed in Iraq. I'm kinda getting the feeling this guys was less a buddy and more a fan. insensitive? maybe. true? i'm pretty sure of it.

all the girls on the winning team, save for mindy, get to meet up with bret. he tells them about his buddy and reveals this was a guy he "got close with" during his three week visit to iraq. so i was kinda right. everyone is all downer now. bret requests some time with brittanya. again, he tries to get her to talk, and again she says nothing. she is so dumb. like, there is nothing going on in there. at least she knows it.

jenny (new blond) spills her guts to bret about her dead pa. bret barely keeps his eyes open but is all "i'm listenin', i'm listenin'"

eliminations. bret calls taya first. mindy is all "i thought Bret gave the first pass to the girl he's feelin' the most, so where's my pass?" which translates to "bret always gives the first pass to the one he banged the night before, so where's my pass?" mindy is called second. maybe taya snuck into his room. next, bret calls kami (? why), beverly, jamie, ashley, and farrah. this leaves Brittanya, jenny, and kelsey. kelsey is safe. so, it's between the hot idiot and the dad drama. bret calls brittanya and asks her if she wants to be there. she's smart enough to know to answer him this time, but dumb enough to say yes. brittanya gets the final pass, and jenny goes home. and i finally learned her name.

ha! instead of walking jenny off the set, bret walks her back to the platform and then peaces out with big john. ha. what a gent.

required oscar post - '09

2009-02-23T20:49:00.002-05:00

as with last year, i'm not going to give a recap of the oscars, because many others do it much better than i could. might i direct you to mimi coco's liveblog or the sum up from this new blog i read (shout out, kristen!), redacted. if i had a laptop, this post would probably be different, but alas i do not. i will say how much i truly loved the part in hugh jackman's opening number that highlighted The Reader. I was guffawing. i thought all in all it was a pretty entertaining show. though i hated how i couldn't see the dead people during the in memoriam. mimi coco said it best when she described it as the Bourne Ultimatum of death montages.

anywho, what's really important here is to talk about what good guessers we are! i got fifteen right out of the 24, besting my total from last year. i was on such a roll in the beginning, but then i foolishly gave some stuff to benji butto that i obvs should've given to slumdog.

again, i was three for four on the acting noms, incorrectingly giving mickey rourke the best actor prize. i was pleased with myself for getting penny cruz right though. i must say, i used to think she was nothing special in the acting department as well as the looks department, but she's definitely grown on me with both. she's a completely different actor in her native language. and switching between english and spanish = hot. i was correct again this year with the director and picture prizes, but let's get to what i'm really proud of-- choosing the winners in Live Action Short (based on title), Sound Editing (Dark Knight!), editing (the deductive reasoning always works), documentary short AND feature, and costume design (always go for the elaborate royal dresses). the other ones i guessed correctly were pretty obvious - adapted and original screenplay, animated feature, and visual effects. i think what's most impressive here, if you'll allow me to continue patting myself on the back this year, is that the only movies i've seen out of all the nominees were Benjamin Button, Dark Knight, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Wall-E, Iron Man, and Hellboy II (which I TOTALLY thought would take it for makeup. benji butts for visual effects, yes, but not for makeup.) And Benjamin Button was the only one that really counted of those. Wall-E and the Dark Knight both had a good amount of nominations (6 and 8, respectively), but they were in like, sound mixing and original song.

anyway, that's enough bragging. the big winner was obviously slumdog millionaire, winning 8 of their 10 nominations. next closest was benji with three, and milk and dark knight (!) tied for 3rd with 2 each. how did you guys fare in your oscar pools? what were your favorite parts of the show? i personally got really excited to see marion cotillard there. have any of you watched "Love Me if You Dare"? i also, like my dear friend kate reilly (holla!), was confused at zac efron's constant presence.

we're getting there, heroes

2009-02-23T13:17:00.003-05:00

heroes is one of the few shows out of many that i watch (seriously, i counted it out the other day and it's like, in the 30's) that i will actually see live (or semi-live...gotta hold out long enough to skip through the commercials). i've always loved superheroes, probably thanks to my brother, and i used to be so in awe of this show. most people lost the magic in season 2, when hiro got sent back to feudal japan for way too long, when they brought in those annoying twins, etc. but i didn't give up on the show-- i even held out from bad mouthing it at this point. but then season 3 started and i couldn't hold my tongue anymore.

it used to be that i would watch the show, enjoy it for the most part, and then think of plot holes/continuity errors/ridiculous parts only after the fact. but for season 3 everything was different. i was so pulled out of it that i would sass my tv. i'd call out the show's stupidity right to its face (meaning, i'd talk/sarcastically laugh aloud to myself). things were getting bad. but then poor pushing daisies got cancelled and there's was this great hope that bryan fuller would go back to heroes and everything would be better again.

this new volume, Fugitives (i think), has definitely shown improvement. granted, they didn't have to do too much to improve on the crap they were airing, but still... while they are still working out the kinks, though, why don't we all just talk about what still irritates us. i'll start, and then anyone else can continue in the comments.

these are mostly just from last week's episode --

1) nathan smugly walks into the scene where zeljko ivanek is bitching about something. ZI makes some comment to nathan and he responds that he was just getting his "double espresso" and then holds up a large coffee cup. uh, who would serve a double espresso in a large coffee cup?!

** side note -- the other day, somebody ordered a large americano (which is a shot of espresso and hot water, for those who don't know) and when i handed her the cup she was like "this isn't all espresso is it?" ... uh lady, if i would've filled up that whole cup with espresso, we would've been there at least half an hour, and you would have never been able to sleep again. and secondly, do you...know what you ordered?

2) i don't understand why these people keep using the future telling device to figure out their next step. if it's supposed to happen, then shouldn't everyone go about their business until it comes to pass? seriously, that power is less "read the future" and more "create the future because whatever you paint, stupid hiro is going to look at it and figure out a way to make it come true". and why do characters keep referring to past futures? (did i just blow your mind?) things have been altered, so those versions of the future shouldn't happen anymore. are they trying to say you can't ever change things, or is it just lazy writing? why did we waste all that time going to the future with the purpose of changing it, if they are still referring to it as unchanged?

3) why is Tracy such an idiot? can they kill her off and bring the third ali larter out?

4) "Can you apologize to his blood stain? It's still warm." -Nathan
What? The guy that died because tracy froze him solid and shattered him? he's the bloodstain that's still warm? did they let him thaw out, then leave the pieces alone for a while until they came up to room temperature, then heat them up with a blow dryer before cleaning it up just so nathan could say this? do you think a better line could've been "Can you apologize to his blood stain? It's frozen solid." or even "Can you apologize to his blood stain? It's the consistency of crushed ice."

WRC: RoLB - Tutu ya later

2009-02-20T12:52:00.003-05:00

preevs: marcia was wasted all the time, most likely to make the idea of hooking up with bret palatable. but that didn't work so she went home.

the girls head to st. louis. ashley and farrah decide to hate natasha because they don't like her face or her low "man voice". bret isn't feeling a special-time connection with any of the girls, so he cooks up a scheme. the girls are taken to the hustler club and ashley feels excited and comforted at the sight of stripper poles. bret brings out three girls that are "in need of makeovers" and assigns one to each group. let's just say the wardrobe people could've done a more convincing job here. it must be the same stylists that turned the girls fug for RoL: Charm School. the winning captain gets a date with bret. Jamie comes out and bret praises her bralessness. then he says that bras should never have been invented. do you think he's ever seen natural boobs that had been braless lifelong? i don't. jenny comes out, followed by kami -- who looks a little like megan mullally, but not in any sort of positive way.

bret chooses all three as winners, so he'll go on a date with all the cap'ns. god forbid he ever has to go on a date with just one person. he also says that the three new girls will join them on the tour. some girls are stunned, others clap. bret's ego is bruised by the clappers.

natasha says she doesn't mind making friends here. so you know she's probably going home, because rule 1 of reality tv is that you aren't there to make friends. ashley goes to bret and airs her complaints about this plot twist. she also says she thinks natasha's a man. she thinks she wears tutus all the time to hide her junk. she complains about not getting time with bret, so he says he'll make time for her.

the team cap'ns go on a riverboating date, and bret proposes that he may just like these 3 in a friends with benefits way and not a relationship way. meaning, he'll bang them, but he doesn't like being around them. bret takes mindy aside and tells her he thinks she's awesome. they make out and the way it starts is seriously one of the grossest kisses i've ever seen. bret tilts his head, opens his mouth, then moves in.

the three new girls go to the others to try and make friends and brittanya flips the fuck out. bret comes back from his date and hangs with the "3 news". beverly confronts bret about his motive behind bringing the new girls. bret then basically admits he did this to get a rise out of the girls, but was pissed when they clapped at his announcement. he throws a fit and goes to hang out with ashley on the bus. he sings her a bad song, tells her he likes her in a "hot sexy girlfriend way", then presumably bangs her.

woah, speaking of WO-man, farrah, you are not so ladylike without all your makeup. new girls get new jeans and a bowling date. they tell bret how brittanya got all crazy, so bret gets turned on. then they tell him how she said she'd hit kami and doesn't care if that would send her home. that's another ego bruising.

bret is in the weight room and brittanya comes in and what. is. she. wearing. it's like...what. a belt with suspenders made out of tinsel. for real. that's it. i would've loved to see her eye this in the store, hold it out and consider it, hold it up to her body to see if it 'fits'. bret's all "talk to me" and brittanya speaks her mind. meaning, she has not a thing to say. finally, he prompts her to talk about her feelings about the new girls. she's not happy about it.

eliminations. the new girls are all safe, as is ashley. bret then calls mindy, taya, beverley, kelsey, and farrah. this leaves natasha and brittanya. but only one of them is wearing a belt with suspenders which, unlike the tutu, leaves little room to imagine any unwanted male parts. natasha goes home and dimples is safe another week.

effing v-day

2009-02-13T12:04:00.003-05:00

so valentine's day is tomorrow. i bet all you happy taken people are excited that it's on a saturday. how perfect for you. i personally think valentine's day is the worst. and whenever i tell that to people, i can just see the pity in their eyes. "she hates valentine's day because she's eternally single." well save your pity because either way i don't like it. it's a made up holiday that allows people to believe it's okay to grossly makeout in public everywhere. the one day people allow themselves to be super nice to their s.o.'s. and buy unnecessary gifts. (that's another thing i wouldn't like about not being single on valentine's day---buying a gift. ugh.) i was going to link back to that awesome video i made you guys for valentine's last year, but it seems to have disappeared from the internet. like, i can't even get the site to load.

anywho, normally i can avoid valentine's day. as stated previously, i'm usually flying solo, so i don't have any of the pressure building up to it. and i just go about my business until the pink and red things disappear from all the stores. but, thanks to my current place of part-time employment and the special v-day treats, i'm constantly reminded of how much i dislike it.

i was recently verifying in my head that it's true that i dislike valentine's day regardless of my status (don't get me wrong -- i do love exchanging valentines, but that's just fun) and i thought about justin from 8th grade who got me like, a dozen roses (that i told my mom were from a secret admirer). i bought him a single fake rose from the school valentine fundraiser. i believe it put me out a whole dollar. even then i wasn't into it.

thinking about justin reminded me of all my elementary school luvs and y'all what was i doing right back then? there was robert, chris mike, freddy, and of course, brian presley. (i believe brian presley *swoon* gave me a couple of stuffed gingerbread valentine people and some jewelry on valentine's day. we were in fifth grade.) i had better relationships from K - 6 than i've had in my twenties. this leads me to my next question: am i benjamin button?

stay with me here. people are still commenting on how young i look. surprised to hear 26 when they are expecting 15. i thought this trend would have died by now, or at least people would stop thinking i'm in my teens. between my youthful looks and my early success in finding loves, how is it that i'm not going through life backwards? what if i don't have anyone like cate blanchett to make out with when i'm a toddler baby old/young person? should i go out to sea?

WRC: RoLB - Tchau

2009-02-06T11:52:00.002-05:00

Previously - hockey, strippers, Lacey, and crazy brittaney/jasmineva got the boot.

big john gathers everyone around and says that maria had some medical condition and needed to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. yuh oh. i wonder if it had anything to do with how often she stated she was an ex-model. i was pretty repetitious when i had a concussion. big john's all "bret's going to bang her in her hospital bed and then we out." tour must go on, i guess. she probably would've won.

the girls head to chicago where they (and we) yet again have to endure Bret's "show". marcia, as usual, starts drinking early. she also has bruises all over her. what a mess. they are all actually wearing lingerie for this daytime event. for the challenge, they must dismantle and pack a stage in two teams. winning team gets a date and vip treatment. marcia is the odd girl out after teams are chosen, so not only does she not have to do the challenge, but she'll get vip treatment with the winning team. oh piss, i think someone's gonna pee herself. oh, she makes it to the bathroom. phew.

OH SNAP!! Bwahahahaha... So taya ex-penthouse is wrapping cords and directing people like a pro, and bret's telling her to be careful, because she's too sexy for him to lose, and she backs straight of the platform. haha. ouch. i rewind and rewatch about seven times. and then vh1 replays it another five. awesome. she gets right back up all "it's coo" with like, little birdies flying around her head. then she maniacally pulls things apart whilst crying. again, i must repeat, they're all in lingerie.

marcia, idiot, pulls bret aside and tells him she's not in love with him. well, duh, dummy, but you don't tell him. he's just a fragile old man. the red team -- ashley, brittanya, natasha and beverly join marcia for VIP treatment.

have i mentioned that marcia's boobs have been blurred in every frame she's in this challenge? they get lavished with gifts. the losing team gets four cell phones and whoever has the phone that rings bret michael's latest tune (aka the RoL theme song) wins a slot with the VIPs. so basically, bret could only get 6 backstage passes to his own show, and this was the roundabout way of determining the 6. kelsey is the winningest of the losers and poor farrah is stuck with lameoids taya and mindy. she can use the time to think of new catchphrases.

my suspicions were correct! this IS the Rock of Love Bus Tour. i think bret was like "send me on a tour and i'll bang some bitches on camera for you." but neither would exist without the other. what a paradox. like the chicken and the egg. uh oh. marcia gives away her VIP bracelet gift to some random crowd member.

so, bret's a tired old man. he goes to take a nap while his band parties with the girls. ashley spots beverly kissing bret's drummer (after kissing farrah herself, but in bret's world, that doesn't count)

the vips go on their date to some brewery to sample 'bret's brew'. bret brings up beverly and the drummer and she awkwardly denies any memory of that. then he is told of marcia's regifting.

eliminations. beverly thinks she's out. first up is ashley. ashley looks like a mix of Ev from the RR/RW challenge and ellie from degrassi. farrah, natasha, and kelsey are all safe. don't worry guys, all blondes are in. taya is in. at the very least for that spectacular fall. brittanya is also safe. bret sends big john and the remaining passes away, so that everyone thinks three people are getting cut. he gets all dramatic, but eventually saves beverly and mindy. which means brazil is out! as tom cruise would say, Adios!

WRC: ANTM 12

2009-01-30T23:44:00.002-05:00

yo, check out these bitches (there are only a couple that don't seem unbearable or fugs, right? i mean, right?):

cycle 12 girls

via cw

<3 moms

2009-01-29T22:27:00.003-05:00

i was on my landline phone with me mom yesterday when i heard a wacky noise (it's hard to describe...like a mix of mechanical and reception, whatever that means to you), i then verified if it was only on my side of things, made a joke, and then pulled the phone away from my ear to see if my phone was still connected. when i did this, i accidentally hung the phone up. this is what my mom heard:

Sara: What's that noise? Do you hear that noise? I think aliens are abducting me! *click*

when i called her back, my mom was still laughing. (to be honest, i still chuckle thinking about it.) whence we were done laughing about it, it hit me that i could have actually been abducted by aliens-- all evidence pointed to it -- and my mom's response was to laugh!! between this and the zombie fakeout from last week, i don't know if the world is prepared for when the ACTUAL ZOMBIES AND ALIENS COME. come on, let's get serious about this...because it will happen.

on another mother related note, during the same phone conversation, my mom was telling me of some sort of upcoming teacher institute something or other day that the staff from the elementary schools through high schools have to go to. she was talking about the inconvenience of having to drive across the island to get there very early in the morning, and was considering taking a bus that her neighboring middle school had arranged for (she works at an elementary school). when she was weighing the pros and cons, this came out of her:

"Do I really want to ride with the middle school teachers? You know how crazy middle school teachers can be." (Mom, 2009)

WRC: RoLB - sorry!

2009-01-29T19:30:00.003-05:00

umm..so due to some circumstances, even though i was down to five shows on my dvr, i'm back up to 30 and behind again. instead of giving up on my beloved rock of love bus, though, i'm just giving a brief 'top o' the noodle' the recap of the episode from two weeks ago, and will hopefully have this week's recap to you by sunday. yes no?

blah blah, sluts, boobs, suitcases. bret meets the girls at an ice rink. they must protect baby bret by shooting him into goals worth various points. lacey is back yet again (guess she has some time off from being 'a musician') to lead some school's hockey club against the girls. melissa pops her implant. i'm dead serious. one team with four girls wins, they go to a strip club. beverly is a total beverly about it and, surprise! turns out she has three kids. yikes. the girls are kind of upset about their prize date being at a strip club with zero alone time, but mostly they're excited to be dancing on a real stripper pole. except beverly.

at the hotel everyone's drunk and crazy. brittaney is actually crazy and it turns out she took the girls' sweaty hockey socks and stashed them in her bunk. melissa calls her boyfriend in the middle of the night (idiot) to complain about how she has no connection with bret and how he has extensions and he looks really old. the girls rat on her so at elimination after she tells bret she's not feeling it, he tells her to get the fuck out. then he calls various girls until beverly and brittaney are left. brittaney proves to be too crazy, so she's given the boot. and then she just stands there like a creep, smiling, after everyone is long gone.

toilet paper question

2009-01-26T11:35:00.004-05:00

i just glanced at the packaging on the back of my scott extra soft toilet paper and saw the following "common sense tip":

Reduce the fat and calories when baking meatloaf by placing a slice of bread at the bottom of the pan. throw away the grease-soaked bread before serving.

uh...why is this meatloaf tip on the back of toilet paper packaging? did everyone else immediately start thinking about poop?

WRC: RoLB - weddings!

2009-01-19T11:36:00.004-05:00

Previously - there were fake boobs, there was drinking, there were fights. a girl took a shot from another's "shot glass". (fun fact; in one of the songs i wrote for slutfire, there is a line that went "take a drink from my shot glass" wherein shot glass = vagina. the word "shot" was taken out, but the point remains: great minds.)

a girl named megan says she won't get half naked for bret's affection. guys, i bet megan's going home. marcia opts to move to the blue bus with the rest of the brunettes. brittany/jasmineva shows off some more of her crazy. i hope she makes it far on the show. marcia decides that she's not drinking anymore. we'll see. (spoiler alert, she drinks later.) the girls have to write their wedding vows to bret and present him with a gift. he's serious this time, guys. costandina is working on a belly dancing routine. either that or she's constandinly undulating.

they meet bret at a rock 'n roll chapel. he says in the chapel are wedding dresses and "assessories" that they must choose between for their respective weddings. bret wears his tuxedo tank top and the girls take turns walking down the aisle. farrah has borrowed mystery's jamiroquai hat for the occasion. beverly refused to put on the sexy wear and instead chose to be a total beverly and went barefoot, wearing jeans and like, a snowboarding jacket. (turns out it's a motocross jacket.) i think beverly, like bret, might be in it for the girls.

bret chooses the three that most impressed him and they win a group date. he chooses taya (penthouse pet), brittanya (pierced dimples), and farrah (jamiroquai hat) everyone gathers for the reception. each girl gives bret a lap dance. i've been to a birthday party like that. i have pictures.

it's VIP pass time! instant access, whenever, wherever. they must answer a series of riddles to get the passes, but they're all too dumb for this game, so bret just chooses three. The passes go to Natasha (who is black, which will come up later), Brittanya, and Taya. Brittany/Jasmineva is all upset because she gave a good effort trying to answer questions, but she doesn't realize that everyone else thinks she's batshit crazy (she is). she overhears natasha talking about her, so she screams at natasha that bret only chose her because she's black. yuh oh. then, when natasha rightly gets angry at this, brittaney starts crying and says that she can't be racist because her grandfather is black. uh...ok...

the winners of the vow challenge meet bret at a pumpkin patch for a hay ride date. brittanya stupidly uses her VIP pass during this date where she is one of four people.

bret takes time to hang with some of the girls he knows little about. it is here where constandina confesses she took a religious vow not to have "all the way" sex for three years. guys, i think constandina is going home.

eliminations: 3 skanks are getting left. brittanya is called first, others follow until Brittaney, Melissa, Marcia, Constandina, Samantha (?) and Megan remain. he calls down the former three and after much ballyhoo, he says they are safe. so, as predicted, megan and constandina are out, as well as samantha...who i'm really not sure i knew was there in the first place.

WRC: Idol 8 - Paula Intoxiwatch

2009-01-14T00:41:00.004-05:00

Season premiere - Phoenix, AZ: Pretty sober

Joking with myself:
Blind guy being interviewed by Ryan after making it through to Hollywood: We'll see where it goes.
Me, aloud: Well...you won't. (laughs)

CtS Movie Review: Across the Universe

2009-01-09T15:11:00.005-05:00

y'all i'm watching Across the Universe right now and it is SO BAD. i mean, i'd heard it was bad, but i wasn't expecting this. and you all know i don't quit on movies just because they stink. so i decided to swallow this in little bites. since the movie is basically a cornytown, usa reenactment of one beatles song after the other, i decided to watch a song, take a break, then watch through the next song, and continue in this manner. i don't know if you guys know this, but there are a lot of Beatles songs. and i'm only about 45 minutes in (of 2:13). this flick is definitely headed towards the dreaded 1 star rating on netflix.

WRC: Rock of Love Bus - Premiere

2009-01-09T01:49:00.004-05:00

Ok, so our buddy Bret has lost two lady loves because he's too much of a rock star, man, to be held down by love. so this season, we're going on tour. the weave is back, the bandanna's back, the diabeetus is back. 20 "hot" girls will join him on tour. i bet you only 2 of them are hot. maybe. at each city, they'll dump some deadweight bitches. wasn't this a challenge on previous rock of loves? big john is also back.

we meet the girls at coyote bar in louisville, kentucky. i'm not gonna commit any names to memory yet because he always wipes out a big number first. there's a girl with pierced dimples. what is the purpose of that? bret says he'll give up if he doesn't find love this season with this silicone sack of winners. bret thinks these girls are gorgeous. *shudder* there's a girl that looks like a mix between angelique and daisy. my eyes!!

there's the requisite backstage pass photo session with noted fashion photographer bret michaels. seriously, these girls are disgusting. umm, daisalique pulls out her lyrics sheet (so she can rap to bret while he takes her picture, obvs) and the words "GENITAL HERPES" are in plain view on the paper. bret tells us he read "genital herpes instructions" another girl also saw "GONORRHEA". Gross. Awesome. this girl that screams penthouse pet and is literally wearing a shirt that says "penthouse pet" tells bret first thing that she's a penthouse pet and acts like it was a secret. her posing pantsless prompts others to bare everything. these poor girls.

bret has a "show" to "get to" so the girls pick between two buses. it seems like the slutty girls choose the pink bus and the "cool girls" (aka brunettes) are on the blue. a fight breaks out on the pink bus because one of the brunettes snuck on. drinks are poured on heads, tears are shed. pan to the awesome blue bus where the down to earth brunettes and one blonde turncoat are havin a grand old time.

after party time! time for some drunk bitches!!! there's drinking, there's fighting, there's name calling. bret comes in without a voice. rock and roll.

uhmmm...oookkayy...so i theenk daisalique took a test tube shot and possibly, uh...took the shot out of another contestant's err, umm, uh, how do you say...vageen.

the girls get to their next hotel and split in their three rooms by the three cliques. as one of the slutty blonds tells us, the cliques are as follows: the blontourage (her clique)--those that are blond (and the brunette with dimple piercings, i think) who make out with each other all the time, the "semi crazy" girls -- the girls that click with the blontourage and probably make out with each other on occasion. and the "zombie girls" which are the rest of the brunettes and 1.5 blonds who probably made out with each other once in college. some girls drink as they wait for bret. and the brazilian one throws up. then she makes out with bret and he loves it. gross.

so then there's another fight. the brazilian throws chips on a blond called ashley. this ashley pours a beer over the brazilian's head. the brazilian chokes her. bad ass.

elimination time. five girls are getting cut. bret says we're doing things differently tonight because of the urgent time constrains of a rigorous bret michaels tour schedule. marcy (brunette), heather (blond/brunette), stephanie (blond member of the brunette team), brittaney (semi-crazy blond), Nikki (Daisalique), Gia (blontourage, vagina shot glass), and Marcia (brazil) are called. the remaining 13 are given their passes and told they are safe. these girls are so drunk. well the blond ones are. marcia the brazilian and her vomit breath are saved. one more herpes-filled slot remains. and that slot goes to brittaney the blond semi-crazy ex-porn star whose listed as "Jasmineva" on fafarazzi. so two hot messes are sent packing along with the 3 brunette members (though 1.5 of them were blond). those three were actually three of the hotter ones too. bret's crazy.

Casting Bag: Fires of Rome "Set in Stone"

2009-01-08T16:37:00.003-05:00

This casting notice caught my eye because of my ethnic ambiguity/miscellaneous princessness. but then i continued reading and figured it would be better suited for the casting bag:

Non-Union Actress: Female, ethnically ambiguous, 18-30 for a stylized slow motion music video. You will be dancing in headdress with Afghan hounds in front of small, low velocity wind machine. Must dance and move well.

the mystery of brandi c

2009-01-06T12:33:00.004-05:00

my tv tastes range from the trashiest lows to the classiest highs, so forgive me for stepping into the dumpster for a second here. i was watching the rock of love: charm school reunion last night like a classy lady (btw, prepare yourself for rock of love bus. with names like Brittanya, Constandina and Jasmineva, how can it not be in reality corner) and something very odd happened. Megan was brought down to the stage for her time with Sharon. first let me share my feelings about megan--

it is hard not to hate her, but it is also hard to not think about how much she's fucking with people because the producers asked her to (rumor is she was dating one of the producers for a while). there are times i hate her, but also times that i love her. she is not what she seems -- she's brilliant and hilarious and at times she can be awesome, but she's definitely a villain. so, proving how much she gives a shit, she stumbled onto the stage drunker than i've ever seen her. that's saying a lot, considering that her two staples on her three shows have been a bikini and a drink in her hand. so first of all, as she's getting out of her seat to head to the stage, brandi c is next to her SOBBING. this, on the contrary, is not saying a lot, because brandi c is always crying about something like her puppy just died. nobody on screen paid this any mind, so i just kind of forgot about it. UNTIL megan's interview with sharon (just before she insulted ozzy and sharon threw a drink on her and kicked her ass) -- this is when i heard brandi c scream-crying in the background. from the sound of it, she had been taken backstage. again, nobody on camera acknowledged this at all. when they panned back to the gaggle of contestants in their seats, brandi c was mysteriously absent.

did anybody see/notice this? what was brandi c freaking out about? did she know megan was trashed, which could only lead to trouble? (brandi c and megan's bff-ness is a love story for the ages) did her puppy actually die? will i ever know the answer?

Season's Greetings!

2008-12-23T22:29:00.003-05:00

Norman the Gingerbread Cyclops wishes everyone happy holidays from his forest of christmas trees.

Subway Spotlight: Holiday Harry

2008-12-21T03:31:00.002-05:00

All of our subway spotlights are special treasures, and holiday harry is no exception. how fitting that he get illuminated on this first official day of winter (right? it's like today, right?)

holiday harry caught my eye in the wee hours of sundee morn on an F train into brooklyn. he walked on wearing his santa hat with a melodica placed firmly in position. he then started in on a holiday medley, with the following songs flowing into each other in the following order:

Flinstones theme
Addams Family theme
Happy Birthday (to Jesus, one assumes)
Hava Nagila
For he's a Jolly Good Fellow (again, probs about jesus)
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Tequila
Deck the Halls
Silent Night
The First Noel
Silver Bells
and finishing off with a little Charge

Happy Holidays, Holiday Harry! Thanks for brightening up my 3am. Speaking of 3am...i was walking home from the train a little after that hour, when i spotted (but barely, since he was in all white) this fellow standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by falling snow, staring into nothingness. do you think he was starting his day, ending it, or just taking a mid-sleep breath of fresh air?

numbers and things

2008-12-11T14:11:00.005-05:00

i got a call on my cell phone earlier today from a number and area code i didn't recognize. i have a rule where i don't answer a call from number I don't know, so i let it go to voicemail. no message was left, which made me think it was a wrong number. I googled the area code to see where this person was calling from, and it belonged somewhere in Colorado. i know no Coloradoaieans (that's a word, right?). A couple hours later I decided to google the full number because it's rare that i get mystery calls on my cell that don't leave a message. So i insert the number into my search box (hehe, box):

303.586.6399

and several pages pop up of the "Report this phone number" variety. Apparently it's some sort of scam and everyone's pissed because everyone's on the Do Not Call list (as am I). And it seems as though this phone call is going around, like, this week. has anyone else gotten this call?

secondly, while i'm here, can i just talk about the pick up artist for a second? i finally watched the finale. finally finale. and, like...SIMEON?! For REAL? listen, the crop this season was nothing to throw your panties at, but simeon is a MASTER PICK UP ARTIST now? He's such a creep! why were the two finalists the ones with my most hated openers? the caper one matt loves that becca pointed out. and simeon's awkwardly delivered: "Hey, what movie is this from? Nobody. puts baby in a corner." Kosmo looks positively genius next to these guys. and at least when kosmo won, there was a marked difference from beginning to end. Simeon is still a bundle of creepy energy and now his ego is inflated.

something else worth mentioning-- when the guys were doing their field test, one of them had cornered a few girls, but was hesitating on making the move to invite them to his bedroom. (The challenge was to invite a girl back to the bedroom and seduce her) Mystery, watching with his wingpeople, says "Take what's yours." TAKE WHAT'S YOURS he says! because these dorks learned some stupid game and way of talking, once they approach a group of girls, those girls are rightfully theirs. because they are men and they choose their womenfolk. it has nothing to do with what the girl wants. right?

lastly -- i'm trying to caffeine it up today since i'm barely crawling through. i had a poor excuse for coke from the fountain earlier, and i couldn't go back. when i was getting my lunch, i decided to try out the Cherry Coke Zero, because, why not. and you know what guys...it really isn't so bad. Cherry coke!! With no calories!!

oh wait, one more... Lastly for realz-- i think i might have to retire the jeans i'm wearing today to "walking around the abode" wear. i knew it was wearing thin in that dreaded thigh spot, but it wasn't until just a second ago when i realized there's a half-dollar sized window to my skin on the right leg, and another slightly smaller one on the left. if i wear these in public again, i'm going to end up pregnant. man, my pants never used to wear in that area! i used to have to retire pants when the knees got huge holes in them. and now the thigh hole seems to be happening to all my pants at once! (or at least all the pants i've had for the last four years.) i don't need this many cutoffs! unless i were a never-nude...

wake me up before you go-go

2008-12-10T12:08:00.002-05:00

As you all know I’ve never really been a coffee drinker. This is hurting me right now as I am nearing the end of my latest 16-day workathon. For starters, I look like shit right now. I could be straight out of the Nightmare Before Christmas or Corpse Bride. I should put curtains over all the mirrors in my apartment. I caught a glimpse of my visage this morning before leaving for the day and I almost yelped in fear. I think this is probably the longest streak I’ve done...I did 12 days a couple weeks ago, but 16 is a harsh mistress. I seem to be mildly narcoleptic, falling asleep whenever I’m seated. I get a nice nap in on the hour commute to and from times square, I’m still passing out on my couch whilst trying to whittle down my dvr list, and the other day I came very, very close to falling asleep sitting at the computer. At work. In my defense, the floor I work on keeps the lights off and the temperature down. So I was snuggled in my scarf. I also wear these big headphones so it’s like I was shut out from the world, in a cold scarfy womb.

Because of this, I was faced with a dilemma. I needed to wake up. Since I quit the daily drinking of Coke (and the fountain soda offered in the building is usually less than impressive), that option flew out the window. The Energy Vitamin Water that I normally count on to wake me up (and take me to the pee room at least seven times throughout the day) wasn’t available where I purchased my bagel that morning. I headed to the pantry to check out my options. My first choice, delicious Milky Way hot chocolate, did nothing but fill my stomach with deliciousness. Before breaking out the big guns (and possibly a slew of other problems) by getting myself a cup of coffee, I opted for some green tea. You should also know that I’m not really a tea drinker either. However, it did the job with only the minor side effect of bad green tea breath.

I have three and a half more days to crawl through. If any of you see me (or have seen me in the last two weeks), please don’t be frightened. Soon I will be whole again. aka not scary looking.

Prop 8 the Musical

2008-12-03T21:23:00.001-05:00

my brother shared this with me and i just can't keep it to myself. there are at least 20 reasons this video is awesome. care to add any more???

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

things i still own but shouldn't volume #1

2008-12-03T16:27:00.005-05:00

i am a huge packrat and am in the process of moving to a smaller (but lovely above ground) apartment. so i currently have the distinguished honor of going through all my crap i have accumulated over the years. most of it is a real loser's walk down memory lane. like my first find today.....toe socks! remember these? they were all the rage circa 1999 - 2000. i jumped headfirst into this trend and bought several pairs of them, worst of which are these ones - in a sickly blue color with little pink toenails painted on.

i distinctly remember people thinking that i had some sort of blood circulation problem when i wore these socks with flip flops.....and yet i still wore them...a lot....in public.

From the casting bag...

2008-12-01T13:17:00.003-05:00

Let's start a new feature! Every now and again I will share with everyone a real casting notice which i find notable in some way.

Today's casting bag notice is for an AT&T outdoor event:

Promotional Models: Males, any ethnicity, 18-28. Good-looking and personable guys to serve. Must be comfortable riding segways or serving people coffee from a jetpack.

a thanksgiving tale

2008-11-28T00:35:00.004-05:00

when i was just a wee lass, one of the first songs i learned how to play on the piano was called 'sweet betsy from pike'. i played that song so many times in my youth, that every now and again the song will get in my head and i'll have to sing aloud the sweet tune of sweet betsy. the part that i remember goes like this:

did you ever hear tell of sweet betsy from pike
who crossed the wide prairies with her lover ike
with three yoke of oxen a big yaller dog
a tall shanghai rooster and one spotted hog

hoodledang falldeedido hoodledang falldeeday

so i was just sitting here singing meself this tune, and i thought "hoodledang falldeedido" that's a pretty funny phrase. i want to google it. so i did, with no results. then i googled "sweet betsy from pike" and found a page with all the verses. the first verse is slightly different from how i know it, but please read the full wondrous tale of sweet betsy below:

Sweet Betsy From Pike

Did you ever hear tell of sweet Betsy from Pike
Who crossed the wide prairies with her lover Ike,
With two yoke of cattle and one spotted hog,
A tall shanghai rooster, and old yaller dog?

Sing too rali oorali oorali ay
Sing too rali oorali oorali ay

One evening quite early they camped on the Platte,
'Twas near by the road on a green shady flat;
Where Betsy, quit tired, lay down to repose,
While with wonder Ike gazed on his Pike County rose.

Out on the prairie on bright starry night
They broke the whiskey and Betsy got tight
She sang and she shouted and danced o'er the plain,
And showed her bare arse to the whole wagon train.

The injuns came down in a wild yelling horde,
And Betsy was scared they would scalp her adored;
Behind the front wagon wheel Betsy did crawl,
And there she fought the injuns with musket and ball.

They soon reached the desert, where Betsy gave out,
And down in the sand she lay rollin' about.
While Ike in great wonder looked on in surprise,
Sayin' "Betsy, get up! You'll get sand in your eyes."

They stopped at Salt Lake to inquire the way,
And Brigham declared that sweet Betsy should stay.
But Betsy got frightened and ran like a deer
While Brigham stood pawin' the earth like a steer.

The alkali desert was burning and bare,
And Isaac's soul shrank from the death that lurked there:
"Dear old Pike County, I'll go back to you."
Says Betsy, "You'll go by yourself if you do."

Long Ike and sweet Betsy attended a dance
And Ike wore a pair of his Pike County pants.
Sweet Betsy was dolled up in ribbons and rings,
Said Ike "You're an angel, but where are your wings?"

A miner said "Betsy, will you dance with me?"
"I will, you old hoss, if you don't make too free;
But don't dance me hard. Do you want to know why?
Daggone you, I'm chock full of strong alkali."

They swam the wide rivers and crossed the tall peaks,
And camped on the prairie for weeks upon weeks,
Starvation and cholera and hard work and slaughter,
They reached California spite hell and high water.

Long Ike and sweet Betsy got married, of course
But Ike, getting jealous, obtained a divorce.
Sweet Betsy, quite satisfied, said with a shout
"Goodbye, you big lummox, I'm glad you backed out."
------

what an epic tale with a happy ending! happy thanksgiving one and all!

xoxo

worst svu opener ever

2008-11-24T17:21:00.004-05:00

i just watched the most ridiculous svu cold open there ever was. there are four shows on my list of a billion shows that i watch that i decided to let pile up so i can just marathon them later on. law and order svu is one of those shows, and i just started an episode from about four weeks ago. this is how it went:

a man and a woman are walking near the water. the woman is holding a swan shaped sack o' leftovers. the man mentions that the view is beautiful. the woman irrationally gets all up in his biz about how he thought the hostess was beautiful and the waitress, etc. then he retaliates by basically calling her a drunk because her mouth wouldn't stay off the mimosas. keep in mind this, as is the norm with law and order cold opens, is terribly acted. so then, the guy interrupts himself from insulting his girlfriend to be all 'let's not fight on a day like this.' the girl is all 'day like who now?', then the guy GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE TO PROPOSE. like, oh, perfect timing there sir. your girlfriend just accused you of having a severe wandering eye, you retaliated by calling her a lush, and then decided to propose. and so he's all down on one knee after asking, and she's all open mouth with a far stare...he waits literally half a second before going 'i said, will you marry me.' like yeah, guy, even if this were remotely realistic, you would have the sense to know that a question like that could be a stunner, so give the girl some room. but then...THEN, the girl slowly raises her arm, to point what she was staring at. pan over the guy's shoulder to a woman floating in the river.

CHUNG CHUNG

an unwanted chicken burrito

2008-11-23T20:35:00.003-05:00

here is the tale of how i ended up with a burrito different from the one i asked for...i will write out the conversation as it happened, and in parentheses i will write out how we misheard each other:

Me: can i have a vegetarian burrito? (Can i have an original burrito?)
Burrito Man: What kind of meat? (What kind of beans?)
Me: Pinto. (Pollo.)
BM: Okay, everything on it? (Ok, everything on it?)
Me: Yes, please. (Yes, please.)

the best part of this is that i saw him reach into the chicken and there was plenty of time for me to stop him and correct the order...but you know me, i like to ruffle as few feathers as possible. it's not that the chicken burrito is bad, it's pretty tasty...but i wanted the guacamole and the sour cream. argh! actually, the reason i didn't say anything is because i thought the burrito would come with that stuff anyway, but its only included on the vegetarian burrito. damn my luck.